I’m big on forgiveness. Real big. I have a hard time holding things against people for very long, it takes too much energy. But for some reason, I have a very hard time letting up on myself when I feel I’ve failed… or am failing.
I can’t remember if I actually posted that I felt like a failure because we only had three children, but I did. I’ve always pictured myself with four and although I was completely satisfied and possibly even overwhelmed in certain areas, I had a hard time letting go of the goal. Now that I’m expecting our fourth child I realize I’m hitting the goal (unintentionally) but now I’m worried about the mother I will be to this many children. How in the heck did my mom raise seven kids?!
I worry that the fourth will feel forgotten or left out. That there won’t be as many pictures and she’ll begrudgingly be dragged to her siblings extracurricular activities.
I already feel guilty I don’t interact with Ryan like I did the girls. The girls and I were constantly doing something…. making cookies, doing crafts, going on pick-your-own farm trips, etc, etc, etc. Ryan and I are constantly doing something too…. laundry, grocery shopping, Brownie meetings, errands….
It’s so easy for me to be easy on others… I’m pretty laid-back and unjudgmental these days after spending 2 years in survival mode and going on 5 having lost all capability of remembering anything that I don’t write down. I’m impressed by moms who still have things so together and related whole-heartedly to those doing their best just to get somewhere on time…. clothed, showered, teeth brushed.
It’s easy to look at others on blogs, Pinterest and the soccer field and compare our worst, behind-the-scenes moments to their public, best-foot-forward ones. A little bit of me wonders how many of those put-together moms have NEVER cried in a heap on the bathroom floor or yelled at their kids. Does this mom exist?
I decided I need to forgive myself… maybe that’s not the right word… but certainly give myself a bit of a break. My son doesn’t do a lot of kid activities with his mom, but he does do them sometimes. And he does do a lot with his mom…. and that’s how it is when you’re the third and your mom has two other beings to run to school, sports practice and girl scouts.
I need to stop looking at other women who are adopting multiple children from overseas (to make their quivers grow to 5 and 6 children), women who are running non-profits that supply water, jobs, and food to poverty-stricken mothers around the world, moms who are quite literally saving the world… I need to stop comparing their calling to mine (because believe me I have prayed about doing something like this… felt my heart pulled in this direction… and heard very clearly that I am doing what I am called to do at this moment in time). So I need to stop comparing and wondering if I’m living in a bubble not doing enough for my neighbors across the sea.
I need to recalibrate my idea that a good mother is one who constantly engages her children in child-like activities and realize a good mother is one who simply engages with her children with what she has. A good mom looks different in each family because each kid is different and each family is different.
So today I’m living in forgiveness from myself. Will you join me?
Comments (7)
I needed this today. I am a mom of a single baby, but I deal with a chronic illness that takes the mickey out of me, work a full-time job, have another business that I have started up to make money on the side. I was the “had it all together” person all the way through growing up and college. I never had any trouble remembering anything, and could get amazing amounts of things done. We talk about another, we always wanted 2 (being an only child, as is my husband). But I don’t know how I would do it. We are barely floating (time and energy wise) as it is. And I, too, look at blogs of moms who are involved and happy and making it all happen, and wonder what I am doing wrong.
And then I get together with other parents in similar or the same boat, and we all sigh with relief that daycare was open Monday, ’cause Lord help us if we didn’t get an hour without the kiddos yelling and screaming after 4 days stuck inside because of flooding and rain. Or crashing into bed at night and having my husband stop me from being upset of the didn’t-get-dones and focusing on the did-get-dones and special moments.
In this age of digital parenting, we imperfect mothers must all give ourselves a little forgiveness, and realize that all moms feel this way as they collapse on their bathroom floors and sob. My mother, a wise person, reminded me once that the people who appear most “perfect and put together” on the outside are likely hiding the turmoil and pain within.
There are no perfect moms. Every mom cries and struggles…or maybe the “together” moms don’t spend as much time with their kids. You don’t know what happens behind closed doors.
Your calling is to be the best mom to YOUR kids, and Ryan has certainly needed extra special mothering (and fathering). And your blog and book is a ministry to others. You are reaching others in a different way. You may also be reaching others through your connections with the girls’ activities – you have opportunities to share your story and God’s story to many people. 🙂
yes, i will join you! oh, how i need to join you!
I forgive you too. haha You are right! Oh how pinterest has knocked perfection and put-togetherness up a notch…
Love you!
Of course I’ll join you — may I use your comment with my daughter? Being a single mom, she constantly is judging herself a bit too harshly! I’ve tried telling her to be kinder to herself, but she has not listened very well – so, hopefully seeing how another young mom feels, she’ll join you too!
PS – I wanted to be one of the places that hosted ‘Flat Natalie’ – but I saw that you already had Maryland and Virginia, so I assume Washington DC (where I work) fell in that zone. But if it has not, let me know! 🙂 God bless you and your family. M.
yes, Martha. Please share it! I’ll take all the company I can get.
Even though you wrote this on Oct. 2nd Leighann, I am just now reading it! I have the hardest time forgiving myself sometimes. Recently I wrote a comment that was not kind, and ended up sending it “accidentally” to the person I made it about instead of to my daughter who I thought I was commenting to. UGH. I was so ashamed and immediately convicted as I was caught in my sin. I cried, I confessed it to the Lord, and then to my daughter, and my husband, and then to the person I offended, and I asked them all to forgive me. Then I explained to the person I had offended why I was feeling frustrated, but admitted it was wrong to vent my frustrations like that, and I begged the person to forgive me. But I have not heard back from her. So, I don’t know if she has forgiven me or not. (Which makes it even harder to forgive myself!)
Anyway, I do think we are too hard on ourselves when we goof up…because He understands that we are just fallen, but forgiven sinners. That’s why he had to die in our place! His grace is amazing…and so is His love. He continues to love us, even when others don’t, and he forgives us even when we are finding it hard to forgive ourselves.
I think you are amazing! You do a good job of mothering…and especially with all you have gone through with Ryan’s health issues. (Your book made me see more clearly what it was like for you honey, and I am so proud of you for weathering it all by the grace of God, and the love of your hubby and family!)
Now, here you are expecting another little girl, and your life will be even more blessed…and yes, very busy! (But it is all so worth it!)
I will be praying for you….and your precious family!
I am just a sinner saved by grace…but God does answer my prayers! 🙂
Love, Linda