I am terrible at engaging my kids. Seriously. I am a project person, not a people person. I mean, I like you guys, I really do, but down deep, I really love a good list. The longer the better because I’ve found that it doesn’t matter if there is two things or fifteen things, it will take me all day to do the list. So when there are fifteen things, at least I feel like I’ve accomplished something.
But back to the kids. One of the hardest things for me about being a stay-at-home-mom is playing with my children. I find it pretty easy to bake with them, or craft with them, or play a game with them (unless it’s Chutes and Ladders because I cannot stand getting almost to 100 and sliding down that big, long slide back into the 30s. It crushes the spirit of project-oriented people like no other game I know). I can even watch a movie, but I have the hardest time playing what they want to play. How many of you have played Polly Pockets lately? Or barbies? Or house… the kind where you are really engaged, not just cooking dinner while saying the lines being fed to you by the kids? “Mom, pretend you’re my mom and say, “XYZ!””
I find that kind of playing extremely boring and monotonous. And then I feel guilty because after five minutes of that, I tell the kids I have mommy work to do. And they beg me to keep playing with them. And I beg them to come bake with me! And then we are both sad.
Is anyone else like me? Does anyone spend a long time playing little kid stuff? Should I be sucking it up and playing what they want to play?
(c) 2016 Leighann Marquiss
Comments (47)
I know it can be trying, but you certainly want to do it so you to regret it in 10 years. This time will pass sooner then you think and you will wish you could “play” with them again.
I am just like you, Leighann. I have two boys, 5 and 3. While I have a blast playing sports type games outside, board games, reading…I have the hardest time engaging in pretend play. I was a HUGE pretend player when I was younger, so I do feel guilty when I don’t engage with my boys. Don’t fret, there are others struggling with you. It just seems there aren’t enough hours in the day!!!
You don’t want to play their games, and they don’t want to play yours. Suggestion: make some games up together. Also.. yes, a little bit of sucking it up may be necessary. That’s why you’re a grownup. Part of the job description!
with my first dd I loved doing that stuff all day long. I think it was the novelty of it all since I was a new mom. then I had 3 boys all in a row and a whole new world of play opened up. they weren’t into petend play in the same way as my dd… like the above poster said, with my boys they loved going outside and playing ball or bubbles or digging or something…THAT type of play is so much easier…you don’t have to think, just throw a ball or hand them assorted shovels…then the older they got they prefered playing with each other and doing boy rough housing without me… so i think to a degree boys are easier than girls in that respect…. girls need conversations and pretend play like you said…ad boys are happy to just move their bodies. Now I have a 2 year old dd who happens to spend a lot of time with her brothers and I find that she mimics her brothers by jumping and tumbling etc…right now she is just beginning to pretend play and engage more like a little girl and at this point in my life its kinda “old”…lol. I agree with you… its hard to keep up that stamina of pretend play. I can do it sometimes but I actually prefer the type of play that little boys do rather than little girls.
RIght there with you – if it’s not a “planned” activity – I have trouble. My husband is great at it too which makes it harder – he sits on the floor every night and just hangs out with them and plays whatever they want to – and I am envious! Oh well – there are other things we are good at with them!
I agree, pretend play is the hardest for me. I am not a big fan of playing period. I”d rather read them a book or go for a walk, anything other than playing. I think as long as you are interacting with them in other ways than don’t worry about it.
I left the pretend play to them – and engaged in other things – they were perfectly happy with feeding me my lines, I guess because I was paying attention – but I engaged in other ways. Perhaps they like some space too? I diagnose not enough engagement from me (which I call ‘lap time’) when they get weird and extra clingy. Long way around saying that perhaps you don’t have to do EVERYthing with them, as long as you are doing plenty of SOMEthing. IDK – like anything else, everyone develops a mothering style, and modifies it according to evolving needs.
I go back and forth with this. I am a mother not a personal playmate. I have responsibilities , things that need to be accomplished through the day. Now if I schedule their playtime together now we are talking. 🙂 I read in a book, Managers Of Their Homes (MOTH), she stated it is good to have individual time with each child as well as together time. What can I say I am a work in progress that requires grace!
I found your blog through a friend. I’ve enjoyed reading about Ryan’s miraculous progress and have, I confess, shed tears more than once reading your stories. I’ve prayed for you guys. I felt the need to respond to this post, to brainstorm some ideas on your dilemma. Maybe you’ve thought of these things already, but for what it’s worth…
-I understand what you mean about getting tired of certain activities. Kids can go on and on with invented play or whatever, and meanwhile we adults are thinking, “I need/want to be doing __.” So DON’T feel guilty about your conflict. There are enough things to feel guilty about as a mom. 😀 You’re human. I think what you are feeling is natural.
-It’s also incredibly important for children to learn to play independently, without constantly needing to be entertained by adults. Finding a balance is crucial! Now, maybe the girls get plenty of time on their own, since you do have your hands more full than the average parent, so this may not be an issue. 😉
-On the other hand, I wouldn’t cut back on “tedious” playtime with the girls if you can help it; these activities stimulate their own creativity by allowing them to role-play and act out their ideas about how the world works. When you interact with them in their play, you help them learn.
-So, to trim your own frustration, one tactic you could pursue when you start playing with them (esp when you are doing something boring) is to set a time limit. If you notice you usu. only last 5 min. before giving up, tell yourself (and announce it to the girls at the beginning, so everyone is on the same page) that you will play X number of minutes (10? 7? 13?). This might help you play longer with them without feeling trapped or that you just gave out at some random moment. And they might also understand that there is an endpoint, so that will hopefully cut back on (some of?) the begging to continue.
-You could brainstorm a list of activities you know both you and the girls enjoy. Then you could maybe schedule some structured “mommy-girls” playtime together (again, with a set time limit) into your days, or at least have a mental list of ideas on hand to suggest when they ask you to play.
-When you set up times to play, try giving your kids choices, rather than asking open-ended questions like “what do you want to play now?” Try presenting 2-3 choices of things you know you’d want to participate in. This’ll OBVIOUSLY not always work, but it’s worth a shot whenever possible.:)
-You could try making a list of reasons why you in fact ENJOY playing those tedious things with your girls. Maybe if you find reasons for joy and celebration in an activity, rather than thinking about how boring you find it, you will be able to say, “Thank you, God, for this opportunity to do ___. I am so grateful for __ and I enjoy __.” If you dwell on it, you might actually feel grateful rather than trapped/burdened and maybe even see other things that you enjoy about it that you hadn’t thought of!
-When all else fails, if you feel guilted into needing to play more with them but can’t stand it at the moment, tell them that you have to leave the room for something BUT you’ll be right back-take a few minutes to regroup or get something done quick off that day’s list if you want, then rejoin them after a short break for yourself! When you return, you can always set a time limit for the rest… 🙂
Sorry this got so long-winded! Don’t know if any of this will help, but just thought I would offer some ideas. Maybe they will help you think of additional ways to deal and eventually lead to something that works! Best of luck and keep up the great job you’re doing as a wife and mom.
-Ashley 🙂
It is an interesting question you raise so I will throw it right back at ya. This is your mom. I too, as you know, am project oriented and not much good at playing make believe. You describe quite well the way I felt with you girls. So I ask you, ‘How did you feel back then when I wasn’t playing with you?” Were you ok with it or feel cheated? And “Do you give me a ‘bad grade’ at mothering for not always engaging in that way?” If you come up with negative responses, then please don’t give me all the gorry details. My psychy couldn’t handle it…ha. You can use your answers however to adjust your own style and stike a happy medium that will balance your feelings of bordom and guilt. If raised in a loving home, we all end up KNOWING our moms loved us regardless of whether they played make-believe with us or not. However, as I listen to you girls talk now as adults about some of the things you did and the fun you had while I was busy cooking and cleaning, I do sometimes feel a little ‘jealous’ that I wasn’t there playing with you. There is no going back now that you are grown and out of the house.
Moderation in all things?
i want to know your answers to your mom’s questions!
i have such a hard time with this.
go back and forth between thinking they are fine playing with each other…and that i should be there…
moderation is the key, i think.
especially for us “project oriented” types 🙂
Leighanne, I think you are the most awesomest mom! [yes, I know that is not grammatically correct:0)] I can totally relate to what you are saying. I know I don’t have kids, but when I used to babysit, I wasn’t good at make believe or making my own games up. At work, singing or playing with kids leaves me frustrated at times. I am definitely a list person. I love order and I need lists! I too am good at coming up with organized activities, but wandering on a journey of make believe play is foreign to me! I applaud your effort to improve, but I fear that like me you may be too reality based!
Also, are you going to Lobby Day? I signed up and there are a few other mom’s I keep in touch with going. I know it is a long day, but I think it is for a good cause. I hope to see you and Ryan there!
https://www.achaheart.org/getinvolved/lobbyday2010_form.php
Wow! I think Ashley is right on. Instead of just saying, “I know what you mean” she gives you tangible options to work with. I agree with her so I have nothing more to add except I think you’re doing a great job and before you know it, you’ll turn around and you’ll have little grandkids to play with! 😉
Ashley, Thanks for the suggestions. I am going to try some of them.
Mom- I never felt cheated or unloved. I think you are an awesome mom… 🙂
I don’t play with my kids. That’s what their siblings are for LOL
I am SOOOO with you on this Leighann. Even with my twins, they want me to sit with them at their little table and drink cups of pretend juice or hot chocolate. I remind them all the time that there are 2 of them so they always have a playmate. They don’t need mommy to play too. I think things are worse for us too b/c I’m working from home so I’m actually trying to get work done that I get paid for and really don’t have time to pretend play. And seriously, I love their playdough creations, but I really am not into sitting there making snakes for an hour. But I try to remember they are only young once.
btw-just read your mom’s comment. I can totally hear her reading it and it is just cracking me up.
I didn’t really enjoy playing with the kids one on one, but I would do things where they were playing in order to interact with them. Playdoh in the kitchen? I’d make some meals or cookies. Crafts in the basement? I’d either clean it up or do some sewing while they were down there. We played with Nerf guns down there quite a bit too. That was fun.
Drawing/writing/dolls, all could be done while doing some other (necessary) stuff. Playing ball with our son – now that had to be done one on one – preferably outside on a nice day!
Beverly
I so hear you!!! I feel like I gave them siblings to play with and I should be able to go on with Mom stuff without being “bothered” to play with them, but then feel guilty!! They do play well together, but I have found they cherish the time I sit down and just play, and I should do it more often!
I am so glad I am not the only one!
Candy Land, Chutes and Ladders and Sorry are banned from our house. Seriously, mom needs to be able to finish a game! That being said, now that my kids are teens, I thought we’d be out of the game playing stage. NOPE! They LOVE to play board games (bored games my husband says). I’m a time oriented mom as well, as sponetaneous play time is not in my schedule. So we have a family game night. Cheesy Walmart commercial Family Game Night. It works around my schedule, it’s the allotted no distraction, no changing laundry or checking on pots for dinner. It’s the only way for me and my family.
I think mom’s are way too hard on themselves. Don’t feel guilty for not dropping everything to play with your kids at a moment’s notice. If you are distracted, your kids know it. It would be like forcing them to bake because you want to, and knowing they were doing it just to make you happy.
I’m all for scheduling playtime and mommy-won’t-be-distracted time.
I am ok with imaginative play, but my house is an honest to goodness wreck.
My older sister is like you. Except I don’t think if Joe asked you to play superheroes with him you would make them all fart like my older sister did. I almost wet myself I was laughing so hard. “Hey Ironman, we need to go rescue so and so…” Phhhhhhhhfffft!” “bwahahahahahaahah” Joe thought it was hilarious too and now he makes her play superheroes every time she visits. lol
Yesterday Ainsley told me all about how you do this cool thing where you run underneath the swing when you push her.
I thought I was cool by just pushing her on the swing. So see you are a cool mom.
Heather
Brought back memories about the running under the swings comment. Summertime when the livin’ is easy…
I am the same way. I have a friend who plays NON STOP with her kids…they put on plays all the time, all sorts of stuff–she does rather than keeping her house even somewhat cleaned up. I can not bring myself to do it. How can I? When there is laundry to do, cooking, cleaning up after the three kids, etc. Plus I train my dogs for competion obedience, so have to fit that in my day……the kids are very good about entertaining themselves, always have been. They are 4, 8, and 11. I do feel guilty sometimes, but they certainly don’t want for anything, and their father is great at playing. I agree with the first poster, the anyonymous one. I only wish I could take that advice and do something with it.
We do Legos sometimes, and it is fun and relaxing to a point. But if we go to a park, then they need to be playing.
It is hard too I think in this electronic age. Hard to get them outside to play, hard to get them to want to do much that does not involve an xbox, gameboys, itouchs, etc…..Yes, we do take them away. Yes we do try to get them to play with other things. We have a big toy room, no one goes in there to play. Even the 4 year old would rather play WII than with any toys.
My mother did not play with my sister and I much. And my mother does not play with my kids.
Cindy
http://www.bernernewf.wordpress.com
There’s a difference between totally ignoring your kids and allowing them the ability to grow and learn by independent/sibling/friend play. I have been reading your blog for about 7 months or so and to me, it sounds like you are a wonderful Mom! The mere fact that you are worrying about it says that you care. Your kids will learn the beauty of doing special things with you and doing different special things with Dad or other people. My girls know that I am the fun one to shop with, watch movies with, play board games with and take their friends out on our excursions. Their Dad is the one who plays outside with them, catches butterflies in nets, plays Wii and thumb wrestles.
Anyway, you showed your children something far more important than whether or not you play Candlyland with them….you handled a major crisis (and continue to) with grace, love, determination and a positive attitude. This example will stay with them the rest of their lives!
Thank you so much for posting that! I honestly felt like I was alone. I work and then pick the kids up to go home & do the night time work. I feel like I am always trying to reach a goal or catch a train and never catch it if that makes sense. Just the other day I thought to myself “wow, i cant even remember the last time I played dolls with Amelia” . It is go home, cook dinner, clean up, baths, bed time etc. Where is the fun for my babies? I have to work on this
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