People ask how I am doing emotionally and how we are holding up as a family. Most days my answer is ‘good,’ and I truly mean it.
Good doesn’t mean things aren’t hard, as in difficult commuting to the hospital every day or difficult leaving Ryan there when we come home. It just means I feel at peace.
I learned some time ago that control is an illusion. We like to think when things are going ‘well’ we have something to do with it – we’ve done something to cause things to fall into place. While we can create havoc in our lives by making poor decisions and avoid chaos by making good decisions; ultimately we cannot control what happens to us.
We are frustrated when life feels out of control – when things don’t go according to our expectations. Some of you may be asking, if we aren’t in control, who is? Some people believe life is random; that stars align and the universe moves and, boom, life happens. I believe the opposite. That nothing is random; there aren’t coincidences. I believe in a God who has a plan that includes a personal relationship with His creation – US!
As many of you know, our family’s expectations of a healthy third child were disrupted this past summer. And, honestly, it took me about a week to be ‘on board’ with God’s plan for us. It is very difficult to hear your baby will not live. This is what the doctors told us – no ifs, ands, or buts. I wasn’t mad at God, but I definitely grieved the loss of this child. I grieved for what I wanted…what I thought was being taken from me. In this time, God spoke directly to me – not audibly, but deep inside me. He asked me to believe He was not only capable of healing my baby, but that He would! God doesn’t promise this to everyone. I know this, but I felt inside He was telling me this and clung to it even when all the medical professionals gave Ryan a death sentence.
I’m sure this sounds nuts to some of you. You may be thinking it’s a crutch – that it is easier to hand over everything to a supreme being, but let me tell you, it can be the opposite. If I believe there is a Creator God who allows and/or ordains things to happen, I have to accept this is true for good things and difficult things. I have to accept that a loving God ‘lets’ my child be born with a fatal heart defect with the reality he may not live. It’s hard to accept that. It’s hard to continue believing this God is loving. Our first instinct is to say a loving God wouldn’t allow hard things to happen. A loving God would protect us from all evil and pain, but it doesn’t work like that.
Once you embrace this, you stop asking ‘why’. You stop fighting with God and telling Him His plan is wrong. You stop thinking your way is better and accept His plan is best. His ways are best even if we don’t understand them. That is where my peace comes from. Knowing God created Ryan for HIS purposes, not mine; and HIS purposes are greater than mine.
I have to remember this same God sent his only Son in the form of a man called Jesus to earth to take my place; to serve as my replacement so I can have a relationship with Him. And, that this relationship is deep and intimate. It is not a lofty idea or abstract thing. It is purposeful and personal. I know this because He has proven it to me time and again throughout my life, especially in these last eight months.
Only a personal God would speak to my soul and tell me Ryan would live.
Only a personal God would give our cardiologist a ‘gut’ feeling Ryan should be born at Children’s (a rare occurrence); a decision that saved his life.
Only a personal God orchestrates a team of 30+ doctors/nurses to deliver Ryan and has a pediatric anesthesiologist join our team shortly before my c-section with the exact skills and experience required to save Ryan at birth.
Only a personal God makes a unique skin covering for Ryan’s little heart – a protection from infection the doctors thought they would fashion on the day of his birth.
Only a personal God makes it possible for a little boy with a partial sternum, an exposed heart and stomach, a compromised diaphragm, and so many heart defects they are too numerous to mention, breathe on his own five weeks after birth. A little boy who was never supposed to take his first breath; a little boy who was never supposed to live past 20 weeks gestational age.
That is my personal God. That is the God of the Bible. That is the God of the universe. He takes what is impossible and makes it possible and does so in such a magnificent way onlookers must say – this is a miracle. This is nothing we have done or could have predicted.
This is where peace comes from. This is where my hope/expectation is placed. Had this same God chosen to take my son from this earth, I would still know He knows and understands – He gave up His Son for a time. He watched His Son die. He grieved this death, but knew His Son would rise again on the third day and make it possible for a world of people to enter into a relationship with Him. He knew His plan was good even though it was difficult.
It is this God that offers a peace that passes all understanding to anyone, and I mean anyone, who accepts His plan – His plan to bring us into a relationship with Him through His Son, Jesus. We celebrate that plan this weekend. Won’t you join us?
Happy Easter!
(c) 2016 Leighann Marquiss
Comments (27)
Leighann, thank you for this. For these wonderful truths, they speak such wonderful volumes to me today. Thank for your heart and for allowing me to pray for you and your family. It is a blessing to know you and I cannot wait to meet Ryan when we come home on furlough!!! Thanks for praying for us. We do have a big God and I am so thankful for that! Happy Easter
That was beautiful, Leighann. I hope you don’t mind if I pass it along to others who would be blessed by it!!
It’s like your very own Conversations true life story!
It is true that while some may think it is easy to hand it all over to God, it truly isn’t. Superficially, it can be, however truly handing over control, which is such a human thing to want, is extremely difficult. But once it is done, the peace will come. Once I did that last May, I never found it easier to trust God, to praise Him, to pray to Him, and to recognize and accept the provisions he sent for me.
Every time Ryan passes a milestone, I think of that night when you were newly pregnant, but beginning to show, still tying to come up with the right way to tell people the baby inside you was going to die. Maybe it was so hard to tell people because deep down, you knew that wasn’t the real truth. When I prayed for Ryan’s healing throughout the pregnancy, I felt God tell me it wasn’t going to be what you were told. I think that’s why your updates move me so much, because they are confirmations of that feeling God gave me.
This is a beautiful post. It has been wonderful to read aobut the miracles that are happening with your little boy, and we will continue to keep your family in our prayers.
Happy Easter!
Thanks for sharing your faith in this post. Our God is an awesome God, and He is worthy of our praise,…not just in the good times,…but ALWAYS!
I loved how you explained the personal relationship we need to have with God. You have a witness and a testimony to share with others during this time with Ryan,…and because of what you are goung through, people are listening. Keep on giving glory to God.
My husband and I have been praying for Ryan and for all of you.
My daughter Lynnette Kraft has lost 3 children. One of them had heart issues. But she has great faith in a great God. She wrote a book called,…”In Faithfulness He Afflicted Me”. I think this book would be a blessing and an encouragement to you. It is available on Amazon. You can also read her Blog. http://www.lynnettekraft.blogspot.com
Her little girl, Anna, with the heart issues lived 6 years. She was such a blessing! We feel blessed to have had her for those wonderful 6 years. She is definately in Heaven and we know we will see her again, and get to spend eternity with her.
I am hoping that Ryan will make it. I am praying he will. I just want you to remember that God has a purpose for everything that He allows.
Continue to lean on Him and look to Him for everything. You are never alone. he is always with you, and as close as your next breath. He loves you very much!
Always keep Trusting!
Love in Christ,
Linda
This is such a powerful and beautiful post – thanks for sharing your heart. Yes, once we really begin to know that “God’s plans are good and right – even if we don’t understand them” we can begin to experience His peace. That peace that truly does “not make sense” – or that others cannot understand.
When I stopped by yesterday, I knew Ryan was downtown but didn’t realize you were actually at CNMC…maybe I will be able to find you. I will be praying for all of you – have a wonderful Easter!! What a privilege is ours to have a risen Savior that wants an intimate relationship with us!
Linda – in a comment above – mentioned her daughter…her blog is wonderful encouragment – you should stop by there.
Take care – Happy Easter!
Leighann,
You and your family serve as an inspiration to everyone. This is an eloquent post and, as truths always are, very powerful. Thank you for sharing this with everyone!!
Thanks for the expression of your heart as we celebrate the ONE whose tomb is empty! Love, Marmi
This is a wonderful post and really spoke to my heart today. I’ve been struggling for awhile now with not being able to control the bad circumstances in my life. But God’s showing me(I’m just a slow learner I guess!)that only He knows the purpose of it all and I just need to trust in Him. I can’t say that I’m totally there yet, but I’m definitely wanting to be. You are such an encouragement with your attitude in spite of all you are going through right now. My prayers are still with you and your family. Hope you have a wonderful Easter!
Oh Leighann what beautiful words you have written! Such truth and grace for your readers to share in! What a blessing to even me as I am walking with my Jesus everyday, expierencing that personal relationship and the blessings of peace it brings. I pray your words are far reaching today and I know in great faith that they are!I pray that this Easter is just beautiful for your family and that God allows it to be exactly what you each need it to be in him. Happy Easter— He is Risen!
Well that just made me want to shout “Hossana to the King of Kings.” It’s such a blessing to hear you speak of the unshakable truths of God even at such an uncertain time in your own life! That was beautifully written and I feel it was inspired by the Holy Spirit! I think I’ll be mediatating on this post for awhile. Thanks for being a beautiful witness to so many! And praise Jesus for the miracle he’s doing in Ryan’s life!
Hi Leighann and Henry,
It is so good to come to your blog and be refreshed. Who would have predicted that God would be able to use Ryan through his parents to touch so many lives including my own? Just as He used his own Son to touch and change lives. HE knew.
Happy Easter,
Bonni and Tim
I have been following your blog over the past few weeks….and old friend, Marshall sent out the link as a prayer request. I have been praying. God is good. God is real. And it is really neat that you are allowing others to be moved by living life out loud! May God continue to bless your sweet little strong Ryan and your family!
Thanks! Elizabeth Miller
Winston-Salem
Leighann, that was incredible. You write so eloquently about God’s love and sacrifice.
This really brought me to tears today, it was so beautiful!
Beautiful, beautiful post…thank you so much for sharing it with us! My prayers continue to be with Ryan and your family.
Leighann,
I’m not sure if we’ve ever met before but I know your husband, the giant, and his family very very well. I have been praying for your baby for quite some time. I truly appreciate your testimony in this post and the faith that you exhibit. I know that no matter happens God will see you through it.
God bless you,
Donald Curtis
Just wanted to stop and say Happy Easter before the day got going. I am getting everyone dressed adn ready for church… boys and dress shirt… oh they don’t like them and they don’t know they have to wear ties yet! there may be tears this year! I am thinking of you and praying for you guys as a family but especially little Ryan today— that the blood of Jesus would wash over him, strengthen him and you would continue to see miracles abound in his body! You guys are much oved from far away today and yes by strangers! Happy Easter!
Leighann, Praise the Lord for the Peace that you wrote about!! All Glory to God for working so many tiny miracles for baby Ryan.
Thank you for sharing your story with all of us. I believe that God is using you to touch so many people.
I can’t wait to meet your precious baby! May your family have a blessed Easter!!! God loves us soooo much!!! WE have much to celebrate!!!!
We love you!!!
Greg and Kerry Jennings
Happy Easter!!!
Thank you for saying it so beautifully, AMEN, Happy Easter. God has definitely spoken to your heart and given you the words to express his plan.
WOW, you are such an inspiration and your personal relationship with God has made you such a strong and faithful christian. The words are amazing to read! God is truly AWESOME!
Leighann,
You really have a way with words. God is truly wonderful and I know that He is blessing so many with your testimony. I am praying for you all always.
I had the same experience with God last year when the doctors told us our son had a life threatening illness that only a bone marrow transplant might help. God just spoke to me and I turned everything over to him.
I cried as I read how you put my exact experience with God into such profound words. God bless you so very, very much.
Thank you for sharing your beautiful heart and inspirational life. Your commitment to trust God’s providence speaks of the relationship that is only found in Jesus, the Prince of Peace, to be sure.
Carrie
these truths are SO big, so powerful and so REAL. thank you. you are such a pillar of faith and strength.
What a beautiful expression of a life who knows God. There’s no other way to explain it. He is in control and very trustworthy. He knows day by day what we will go through and will walk through it with us. Thank you for sharing your heart and I’m praying not only for Ryan and your family, but for all of those whose lives you are touching. God will use your testimony in so many ways.
My daughter has ectopic cordis, and half heart anatomy. Except, it’s her left ventricle that is non functioning. I don’t know why I haven’t found your blog before today, but I wanted to say that your faith and perspective are truly inspirational. And I can see the joy on your son’s face in every photo. Savannah is experiencing heart failure right now, so our outcome will not be the same. But I truly believe that the Lord guides us through these difficult journeys, and I am grateful that you took the time to share your testimony here. I will have to get your books, they sound fantastic. I just wanted you to know that reading some of your thoughts have touched my heart today, and I needed that. If you want to check out my blog, feel free. It’s iheartsavannahsmiles.wordpress.com
Thanks Leighann for this uplifting testimony of the Lord’s grace. I’ll keep you, your son & family in my prayers.I read your story in the Trib. God bless…
~ Ps. 34:3-4