Bullying. It’s a big topic these days. National headlines talk about suicides and mass murders all because of victims of bullying have had enough. Did you see the video of the boy who finally fought back and body slammed the punk who was shoving him and calling him fat?
You can imagine my shock and dismay last week when a mother called me to explain (in a very humble way) that her daughter was coming home on a regular basis crying about things my daughter was saying to her on the playground. I’m not naive, I’ve seen my daughter with her siblings and know that she can throw her weight around. What I wasn’t prepared for was the utterly hateful things she was saying. For example, “You’re going to be bullied through high school so you might as well get used to it.”
Bullied through high school? By whom? My daughter?
Not if I have anything to do with it.
I pulled said daughter aside from playing with the neighbors and asked her if she was having problems with Girl X. She smirked and said, “Yes.” I asked her if she said the phrase above thinking for sure she couldn’t have come up with that on her own.
“Yes, but that was weeks ago,” she said unfazed.
“How would you feel if someone said that to you? Don’t you think that was mean?” I said.
“It wasn’t mean. It was advice.” She said this in such a matter of fact way I was stupefied.
I’ll admit now to not being a very lovey-dovey mother. It doesn’t come natural to me to coddle or smother a person with compassion and nurturing. I’m not saying this is right (in fact I’m trying to work on it daily) but it did make me wince to think her advice might be something I’d say to her…. although I hope I wouldn’t say this about bullying. Hopefully it was about chores.
My daughter and I had a little chat about being kind, about how unacceptable all of this behavior is, and more importantly, why in the world she felt she had to use such unkind words.
“I’m afraid that Girl X is taking my best friend,” she said.
We talked about how when we are afraid and sad the answer is not to be mean, but to be honest with our friends and talk things through. I told her the Aesop Fable about the Sun and the Wind. (Please tell me someone else has heard this story….. everyone I’ve mentioned it to looks at me like I’ve just sprouted two more heads.) We talked about how “a soft answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.”(Proverbs 15:1)
Then I did the only thing I could think of. I sent her inside to write a letter of apology to Girl X and a letter stating she would no longer participate in bullying to the best friend, who apparently was also mixed up in the whole mess.
We then invited both girls to our house for a play date on Friday. I explained to my daughter (and the other mothers to their daughters) that more than two people can play together. In fact, when it comes to playground fun, the more the merrier. They acted as if they were all best friends and didn’t have a care in the world. I’m hoping this positive experience will spill over into recess. A few more play dates might be in order. We’ll see.
What would you do if your child were the bully?
Comments (13)
I admire you for sharing this story — some parents have such a hard time admitting their child is in the wrong. I think you handled it really well, and hopefully nipped it in the bud.
thank you for the courage to share the story, how nice that the mother had the courage and called, there was a productive reaction from you and a positive outcome by having the girls play. I think this is a snapshot of the hard work of good mothering, it is the ability to deal hard situations into gold star worthy endings…hard, hard work for everyone.
MJ
I have been reading for a long time, but rarely comment. I find that I have a lot of the same traits and challenges when it comes to parenting, and very much appreciate reading your approaches. I want to thank you for sharing these moments and lessons. I have found more and more that while I had an idea of how I would handle such situations, they confront us earlier than expected. In a few short years, we may meet the same moments with our little one. Thank you for your honesty, and bravery in sharing.
Wonderful response as a parent! I love making her write a letter of apology – that is truly learning and reinforcing the need to take responsbility for oneself. And of course, the Biblical lesson in kindness and caring is wonderful! Good job, mom!
Your daughter is so lucky to have such a wise mom! What a great way to handle the situation! Thank you for sharing your story.
And yes, I have heard the fable of the sun and the wind.
I hope I’d be able to handle it as well as you did! I don’t think many parents would be able to take such an objective stance when it comes to their own child. When I was a classroom teacher I did something similar to what you did when there was a child that was being mean to other children on the playground. I invited her to our classroom to hang out with my kids during lunch and it worked out really well. I think she too was feeling left out and wasn’t able to figure out how to be included other than to say mean things to the other kids. Your daughter is very lucky to have you for a mom!!
I know that fable!
I know that fable, havent seen it in a long time so I am going to re read it today. Yikes on finding out the bully issues, I tend to find on of my kids being a bully at home and lately we have had to find other ways to fix this situation.
Leighann, I think you handled that splendidly!!! My hat comes off to you…and I wish other parents would take action like that!
You are a wonderful mother by-the-way. Not everyone is gushy and mushy! Don’t sell yourself short…YOU ROCK!
Love, Linda
wow…you handled that so well! i hope i would handle it that beautifully…
and, i’m with you, not very touchy/lovey to my kids. working on it, too!
One of mine was a borderline mean-girl. She went on full lock-down, if she did anything, it was with me. If she talked to anyone, it was while she was sitting beside me. And, we used the time to watch some movies, some television shows and read some books, and talked about what it felt like to be bullied, and what it felt like to be the mean girl. She didn’t learn every lesson – yet – but she “mean girl” is not a phrase that describes her.
Good job opening her heart to the real reason! Bullying always has a “behind the scene reason”
Reading “Shepherding a Child’s Heart” by Tedd Tripp and “Laying Down Rails” by Sonya Shafer has really challenged me as a parent. Kelly
Great post! Thanks for sharing!