Ainsley insists on getting in the baby swing at the park. She says her dream is to be a baby. Sometimes she asks me to pray that God will turn her into one.
People ask me how I’m doing with Ryan’s upcoming surgery. Am I anxious? The answer is no. Maybe I should be, but I’m not. It’s been easy for me to completely believe he’ll be fine. I’ll most likely have pre-surgery jitters the day before – I always do, but then the adrenaline takes over the day of…. Ryan is the easiest person in our family for me not to worry about. He’s a very happy child and doesn’t show any signs of anxiety or fear. He lives pretty much every day smiling.
The worries I carry are for the others living under my roof. Ainsley wishing to be a baby…. desperately wanting it and crying over it. Literally crying she can’t be a baby. Is this a childhood fascination or is she voicing a need to be taken care of?
And Natalie. Poor Natalie. She’s having difficulty adjusting to her new school. Since Christmas she’s been asking me to home school her, crying that no one in her class likes her (which I know to be false), telling me she doesn’t feel at home in Pittsburgh. It’s hard to see her struggle. We talk about her feelings, have play dates to solidify relationships, and do a lot of cuddling. She tends to focus on the negative, something I don’t relate with…. so counseling her is a balance of validating her feelings and suggesting some of the positives that are also going on.
Then there’s Henry and I. Before any rumors fly and people get worried – we have a solid marriage. We work hard to stay connected but it does take work and we’re exhausted. We’re in a stage of life that takes a lot out of you…. I’m starting to wonder if there’s a stage that doesn’t!
So while my heart hasn’t been heavy for Ryan, it has been heavy. Many times I feel like I’m failing as a wife and mother. My prayers have been for healing – not of congenital heart defects, but of heart defects of a different kind. I have no choice but to trust that God will redeem my imperfections. That He will carry us through just as He has before.
(c) 2016 Leighann Marquiss
Comments (8)
It is so hard as a mom to not feel like we fail on a daily basis. For me personally, the hardest part of motherhood is guilt. Guilt about everything. Did I say that the right way? Am I raising them to be good, kind, respectful girls? Am I fostering a passion in them, while still tempering it with reality? Why did I get mad over something silly? Can’t I just go out and have a nice time with my husband/friends without feeling like I shouldn’t be having this kind of fun? I really don’t think that these types of feelings are felt by Dads. Not because they don’t feel, it’s just not part of their hard-wiring. I sympathize with you immensely. After reading your blog since Ryan was around 6 months old, I can tell you are a fantastic Mom. Try not to be too hard on yourself, although I know it is difficult to not be. I think that Ainsley is probably just having a mild case of middle child syndrome…wants to be a baby because in her mind, Ryan gets to have a lot of alone time with you (he doesn’t go to school and his time in the hospital) and she is jealous. It will pass. I think that Natalie is a thinker/observer who internalizes her emotions and is perceptive to the emotions around her. Maybe she is just worried about Ryan and doesn’t want to bring that up, so she blames her bad days on moving and having to go to a new school. I have a sometimes negative thinking eldest daughter and it is hard. I try and be upbeat and point out all the positives. It is such a fine line between reminding them to be positive and also sympathizing with what is causing their bad day. Natalie will feel better once summer comes around and she feels confident in her new friendships. And marriage is tons of hard work. It is hard to make time for everyone, every single day. Thinking of you and hoping that your heart load will lessen.
Maybe you could let Ainsley actually be a baby. She’d probably see it isn’t all it’s cracked up to be. 😉
Only baby food and a bottle, no candy, just tastless baby crackers, not able to go outside to play, only rattles (or other baby toys) can’t get out of bed cause she’s a baby etc. There are sooo many things that babies CANT do that it would probably soon lose it’s appeal.
I’ve read your blog for a long time. You ARE a great mom. Involved and hands on. This too shall pass. 🙂
Loved seeing you in church Sunday morning! I’m glad you got to see some of the interesting things in our area. I live in Granville so next time you come, you’re welcome to visit our home!
You and your family have been and will be in my prayers in the upcoming weeks. I like what Wendy has posted and I agree with her that marriage is tons of hard work!
Be assured and have confidence that “He that began a good work in you is able to deliver” and keep putting one foot in front of the other….
Beverly – Ohio
Well, bless your heart Leighann! I will be praying for you for these things that you have mentioned.
Kids go through those kinds of things, and I would just keep on loving and encouraging them, and try not to stress too much or worry.
I think you are a good wife and mother from all I had read on this blog over the years. I am proud of your strength and your courage, and your faith.
God’s continued blessings to you! May He help you to …Be still and to know that He is God…the one who will always be there to help you in every situation!
Have you read my daughter Lynnette’s books? I would like to send them to you. This new one is wonderful, and really shows the sovereignty of God at work in our lives.
Please email me your address honey.
jhoge1945@sbcglobal.net
Love, Linda
I am fairly new to your blog, but I have loved reading about your family and praying for your little Ryan. You are doing a wonderful job!! Every mom is a busy lady, but having a child with special needs must make your jobs double or triple! Your girls are probably still adjusting to the move. I would encourage you to investigate Natalie’s school situation, though, especially if it keeps on through the rest of the year. Adjustments to new schools usually don’t continue for a long period of time.
I will continue to pray for you as you serve your family! Keep your eyes on Christ!
That is a lot to be worried about. I think the Ainsley stuff is pretty easy to suss out psychologically. She sees that babies are (justifiably) paid a lot of attention. She is a middle child. Her little brother has a complicated medical condition. Pour into her in her love language as much as you can. Validate her. Heck I long for the simplicity of childhood all the time.
My mom and I were talking about all the places we have lived, and how while she was in Connecticut, she didn’t feel like she belonged, but looking back, she had the most satisfying relationships, and it was her favorite house. So I guess it is all relative? I can see Natalie looking back on this time in a similar way.
Paula and I were talking today about how the miracle of Ryan’s very existance moves us to worship God often. But really, all of our kids are miracles, guided and protected by God from the beginning of their lives. God’s got them, Leighann. He’s got you too. Love you!
Oh I hear you and I mean really “heart hear” you. As Wendy says, the guilt is the killer.
All good advice in the comments and reassurances, you ARE going a good job. We will fail, some days we don’t do a good job but “naming it and claiming it” in this case is a good step.
Acknowledge the worries you have with Natalie (on a scale she can ‘get’) and then talk about hers. Ask her to pray for you and that you’ll pray for her. I remember the first time I asked Anna to pray for me – it really opened her up to me. Just my $.02.
I think it’s amazing that from the outside looking in, one would think that it would be Ryan who gave you a heavy heart….yet out is those same “normal” things that you carry with you. Thank you for your transparency here – you make those of us without a “Ryan” in our lives feel not so abnormal.