The Bigger Picture

i don’t even remember why i went up. probably to give something to natalie that was cluttering the first floor. her door was shut and when i tried the handle it was locked. “open up, guys. it’s mom.”

there’s a jiggle. natalie pokes her head through a tiny slit. confused i try to push through, not necessarily to see what’s going on, but because it’s my natural instinct to open a door widely.

she pushes back against the door.

then i see them. about 20 copied sheets of paper… pages from a book most likely.

“did you use my printer without asking?” i say.

“i just made copies,” she says meekly.

“you know i don’t like you using the printer without asking. what’s going on?” not really angry, more in a confused daze i just look at her.

“i’m teaching ainsley,” is her response. ainsley appears beside her sister with proverbial cookie crumbs on the corners of her mouth.

“girls, we need to talk.” there’s disappointment the girls went behind my back doing something they know is off limits. but more importantly that natalie then chose to hide it.  “come downstairs,” i say knowing it will give me the extra time i need to put my thoughts together.

i head to the deck the girls following like gosslings going out for a morning swim.

“girls, i’m really disappointed. you used something of mine without asking. if you think about it, that’s called stealing. you each owe me a dollar from your spending box to pay me for the supplies you used.”

“okay, mommy,” ainsley says humbly.

“for the second part – hiding what you’d done wrong when i came to the door – trying to cover the truth. that’s lying. that’s going to be a bigger punishment. lying is really serious stuff. to steal and then lie on top of it is really, really serious stuff. when you lie to me it makes me not want to trust you anymore and i need to be able to trust you as you get older. so you’ll both be punished for lying.”

“but i didn’t know what we did was wrong,” ainsley protests.

“youknow I don’t want you using my printer without asking.”

“i was with natalie and i thought it was okay since we were together,” she said.

“it’s true, mom. i told ainsley to do it. she didn’t do it on her own. she shouldn’t be punished, just me,” natalie says.

“ainsley, how do you feel about your sister taking your punishment?”

“well… i mean….. if you really want it to be that way, i guess it’s okay,” she says knowing full well she’s one lucky duck. she runs off while i continue counseling her sister.

“look, natalie. the reason i’m making such a big deal over this is because one day you’re going to grow up. you’ll be a teenager and you’ll probably mess up and do something you know you shouldn’t.”

“like drugs?” she says.

“yes, like drugs, or smoking, or kissing boys, or drinking alcohol.  you might get into trouble doing these things. when you do, i don’t want you afraid of me being mad. when you make a mistake you need to own it. you need to have the courage to come to me and tell me what you’ve gotten yourself into. it’s my job to protect you. if i don’t know what’s going on, i can’t protect you. i’d rather know you messed up, then have you lie to me about it and get into more serious trouble.

“i want to know these things because i love you. not because i want to punish you. but because i’m your mom. i want to help you. so you owe me a dollar for the supplies and you’re get an additional punishment for covering up what you did.”

“okay, mommy,” she says crying.

later i pull ainsley aside. “hey, i need to talk to you a minute.”

“yeah,” she says looking at me quizzically.

“you know as you get older there are going to be times when you’re with your sister or your friends and they’re going to suggest you do something you know is wrong. like today. you might be scared if you don’t go along with it that they’ll make fun of you, or not be your friend anymore, or even hurt you because of it. i want you to believe in yourself enough to have the courage to say no. this is really important.  if natalie tells you to smoke, are you going to do it?”

“no.”

“if she tells you to kiss a boy are you going to do it?”

“well, i might kiss a boy, not because she tells me, but because i want to.”

i laugh and kiss the top of her head. “yes, you probably will!”

“ains, you need to choose to do the right thing whether or not your sister or friends are doing it. you need to stand for what you know is right. it takes being brave. it takes choosing to maybe be the only one not doing it. think about it.”

from the time i can remember i’ve disciplined my kids with the future in mind. why? not because i’m looking for regimented behavior to make my life easier. i’m not looking to have perfect kids to show off to the neighbors. i’m trying to instill in them the confidence it takes to be an independent adult. i want them to understand their behavior is a choice they’re making whether it’s conscious or not. our actions result in consequences. we reap what we sow.  the only way to do this is to start when they’re young. to be open about the pitfalls that await them and equip them with the tools necessary to steer clear of them. does this guarantee they won’t be rebellious or fall into addictions? nope. but at least i know i’ve given them the information necessary to make their own decisions. and i’m hoping in the end they understand that henry and i love them even when they make mistakes. for it’s not their behavior we are battling for here, it’s their hearts.