Wow! Silly me for thinking I could slip in a little paragraph saying wives should submit in everything to their husbands and you would gloss over it. So… r e w i n d … let’s first go over why I think wives should submit to their husbands in everything. Not because I need you to agree with me (you are still free to disagree), but because I want to make sure you understand what I am really saying.
First, I believe wives should submit in everything because that is what Ephesians 5:24 says. I don’t know any other way to interpret it. It does also say, “as unto the Lord” which many believe is the ‘except for submitting to a sinful request’ clause. I know there is at least one reader who disagrees with me, so I would ask dissenters to please tell me how they interpret this verse. (I am not being smug, I am truly curious.)
One interpretation I have heard is that verse 21 tells Christians to submit one to another and therefore it is telling the husband to also submit to the wife. If you negate verse 24 with verse 21, it makes Paul illogical. There is no reason to state something that is negated in your own letter minutes before. You would simply leave it out. It is also clear in the text that Paul first addresses the church at large, then shifts to the relationship of marriage, then shifts focus to the relationship of child to parent. Verse 21 is in the section of the relationship between believers (outside the family relationship). If you include family relationships in vs. 21, then logically you must include the parent child relationship and say that parents must share decision making responsibilities with children as well.
The second common response is that this makes a woman a doormat, unable to make decisions on her own, nothing more than a slave. This is not a scenario where a bully comes into the house and orders his family around beating on people and yelling at the top of his lungs. (although I know there are abusive situations out there…I do not offer this up as an example of submission)
I thought I made it pretty clear in my post that I believe a woman can state her opinion. I also thought I made it clear my husband and I discuss family decisions on a regular basis. In fact, there is no explicit command in scripture for the husband to never defer to the judgment of his wife. My husband has changed his mind on subjects after hearing my thoughts, or made decisions based on my preference to make me happy – but not because I forced him to, stamped my foot, threw a temper tantrum, or did what he didn’t want me to do no matter what he said.
Here’s how this looks on a practical level in our home: Dear hubby and I have a quandry, he asks me what I think, I ask him what he thinks, we discuss, we do research, we discuss some more. We are not quick decision makers so sometimes we discuss for months. 🙂 Then, in our marriage, we typically agree. Whew! However, there are times when we disagree. In that situation, I believe Eph. 5:24 commands me to defer to my husband’s judgment whether I think it is incorrect or unbiblical.
For the sake of clarity, if he was asking me to cheat on our taxes and sign my name to a joint form, I would not be under obligation to do so. I would have to respectfully decline participating in stealing from the government. However, if it was a decision on whether to buy a new or used car, move to another state, his job situation, etc. none of which are sinful scenarios, then I must submit.
Now, there is most likely gnashing of teeth on the other end of the screen somewhere in blogland. And that’s okay. You may state your sentiments in the comment section. In fact, I encourage you to. I just want to make sure you understand exactly what I am saying. And this leads me to point number two:
Submitting is not a mindless, robotic, degrading act. It is a bold, strong, and intentional act of the will. It is extremely hard to discipline ourselves as humans to give up control; to do something we deem unwise or reckless. It’s the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do (being consistent in my parenting is a close runner up). It’s hard because I know I’m capable. And, I would imagine it is hard if you are Type A married to a passive man. But it’s what we must do.
And my point in the first post is that when we do not submit we put our husbands in a tough place. They must either butt heads with us and possibly make us cry, scream or throw things (something they fear like the plague). Or, they must sit back and not take the role of leadership, not grow in maturity, and not submit their way to God. And guess what – they are accountable to God for their decisions. We make them choose between fighting with the person they love the most in this world and disobeying God.
And guess what? We are accountable to God for stunting the spiritual and practical growth of our husbands. By usurping his authority, we usurp HIS authority.
Am I clear this time? Please let me know…. again, I am not trying to have everyone in agreement with me. I just want to make sure I am communicating exactly what I think scripture is saying so we are all on the same page. Let’s keep the conversation going…the comments last time were awesome and I am grateful how gracious everyone was when they disagreed with someone else. You all seem to play very well with others!! So, let’s get the discussion going. Who’s first?
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(c) 2016 Leighann Marquiss
Comments (17)
Good Morning, I agree with you! I am married for the second time and I will say in my first marriage I did not believe “SUBMIT” was a part of it, and it was not. But with that being said, he was not the Godly man everyone on the outside thought he was.
I am very happily married and do submit to my husband in a very healthy way. We do not argue, fight, or throw tantrums, we get along, we discuss, we love each other with all our hearts.
I am honored to be in a marriage that is so sound and founded in God that I can be comfortable being the submissive wife..
AMEN! Lisa
Oh wow, I
Actually, I am not going to be one to disagree with you. I agree with everything you said about submitting to your husband and I also agree that it is a sin to not submit. So many women today, because of our societies mindset of equality, feel that they should be able to make decisions for the family, but that is not what God intends for a family unit. He intends that the “head” of the household make the FINAL decision, with the emphasis being on final. You are absolutely right, a man has the responsibility to get his wife’s opinion. We can find an example of that in Genesis 31:4-16 where Jacob called Rachel and Leah to him and conferred with them about their father and some things he was not pleased with. They gave their opinion and it helped him make his decision.
Husbands have a big responsibility, not only in ruling the house, but in loving their wife as Christ loved the Church. This is a great love, much greater than we can even comprehend. In Colossians 3:19 it says, “Husbands love your wies, and be not bitter against them.” I feel that bitterness comes in when the wife will not keep in her rightful place and usurps the husband’s authority. Then, as you said, the husband has two choices. He can either put up with a wife who throws fits or he can give in and let her have her way. Either way, this is a cause for bitterness to creep into his heart.
Also, a good scripture for women to consider is I Peter 3:1-2. These verses speak of the wife of a nonbeliever or a sinner. In verse two it says they behold your chaste conversation coupled with fear. This fear is not talking about being afraid of them, but of respecting them in their position. In this way, the wife may win her husband to the Lord!!
I would reiterate what you said about the wife not having to obey the husband if he asks her to do a sinful thing. When this happens, there is one who is head even of your husband, and that is God. If God has said not to do something, then even if your husband asks you to, you have every right to say no, with respect and giving him the reason why,”you would be sinning against God if you did”.
I can say from experience that in doing what God ordained for us, as a wife, there can be such joy come out of it. It is hard at times, but it brings you much closer as a husband and wife, there is newfound respect for each other, newfound love deepens from each holding the proper place the Lord has given to them. God made the plan for the marriage relationship and if we follow it, our lives will be so blessed because God WANTS what is good for His children.
Great subject! I admire you for jumping into the deep end with this.
It took me so long to type this that I am not the first comment maker anymore, lol.
What a great, well-thought-out post. Thank you for speaking the truth in such a clear and kind manner!
Leanne in GA
My first trip to Reston Bible happened to be on the day where the sermon touched on this very subject… And I listened to the service, went home, had my husband watch the video once it was uploaded, and then we discussed it’s message and really talked about our life. We discussed not only how we relate to each other but how we WANT to relate to each other.
Now, I am a take charge kind of gal. I love to organize and plan things where my husband is far more laid back and “go with the flow” kind of guy. After listening to the service on Role Reversal, I really took stock of my role in my marriage. When my laid back husband has had an idea in the past that I didn’t agree with or think was right for our family, I had no problem explaining to him at length exactly why that idea was not good. And while he would come around to my way of thinking, (which of course I wanted) I didn’t realize how it might make him feel less than he is or how it could stop him from trying to lead our family in the future.
I consider myself to be a strong woman and very independent – and I understand how the word “Submit” could leave a distasteful flavor in some women’s mouths. And, let’s face it, when you get to the submission point you tend to be worked up. It’s after you’ve discussed and discussed and you are probably really focused on the fact that you are right. When you’re at that point it’s hard to let that go, especially when you believe the other person is wrong. Which is where I found Paul Goodnights sermon invaluable. The point that I got from it when it came to submitting was the important value of the phrase “As unto the Lord” – meaning that you aren’t trusting that you’re husband is right and you are wrong. You are trusting that God is working in your marriage and that HE is right… and really, doesn’t that make it easier to submit? I mean, God is always right. We might have a hard time swallowing it, but that’s when we have to fall back on our Faith. It’s no longer about right or wrong, husband or wife… it’s about God and trusting Him and his Grace.
Um, Renee, I think you should be writing these posts! You hit the nail on the head when you say this is about God, not about us. And you said it beautifully. Thank you.
I’m in agreement with you, but the best part about it is that God commands our husbands to love us as Christ loves the church. What more could we ask for?
Someone once told me that in order for my husband to be the godly leader of our home, I first had to vacate the seat! It was probably the best marriage advice I was ever given – and the hardest to follow!
There can’t be two leaders – not in government, not in the business & not at home. Here’s how we break it out in our house – my husband in the Chief Executive Officer and I am the Chief Operating Officer. Renee’s comment was spot on!
If we honor the Lord’s word – He will honor our marriages.
I disagree completley . I agree with submitting the God and the church but not submitting your husband. We are no less than our husbands and we need to teach our daughters to stand up for themselves, respect themselves and be as independent as they want. A marriage is about partnership and equality.
Dear Anonymous.
Thank you for your comment. My question to you is how do you behave independently in a partnership? Partnership indicates working together. Independence indicates doing it yourself. Secondly, what part of deferring to another’s judgment creates inequality?
I think you and I have a different view on what marriage is about…. you state it is about partnership and equality. I believe it is a picture of Christ and his church. You can read about that in my first post on submission. Therefore, how we think we should behave comes out of those basic premises. But, based on your premise, I still have the questions above.
Thank you for jumping into the conversation.
I wasn’t sure that I should write this but what the heck…I wish that I had a husband to submit to…first he left the church and then he left me and our son all while I was pregnant…I don’t really know why…I struggle everyday with trying to make it on my own when I’ve never been on my own. Right now submitting to a Godly husband seems easier than struggling day by day to care for my children, provide food, clothing and shelter for them and for myself. Although we are not divorced I stay faithful, I act married and I pray daily for that once Godly man will return….so those out there who oppose to submission should be thankful that they are not me…
Lori – I am so sorry. What you are doing is hard. I watched my mother do it. My heart goes out to you today. Keep your head up. You are doing a great job.
Oh Lori! I hope that your husband will turn his heart back to God and to you and your kids! You are my hero for hanging in there, praying for him, staying married… I will put you on my prayer list if that’s okay! I hope you get a wonderful resolution to your story in God’s perfect timing! **HUGS**
Leighann, I think that you put it so well here that if anyone can read it and not understand what submission is NOT, then they are blinded to the truth! I was blinded to the truth for a long time. I would skim and cringe at theings that were about submission because of the way I was raised (see the last comment on your post this one references) and when someone said the word “submission” I stopped really listening. I would unconciously mentally substitute my parents’ experience for whatever I was hearing or reading. I think that alot of people do this. But if there’s hope for me truely understanding, then there is hope for them too! In God’s time. 🙂 In God’s wonderful time. It’s very very hard to believe in giving another authority, even God, when you have been traumatized or abused or something. When a person learns to be in total submission to God, they will learn to submit to their husband. Along the lines of what Renee was saying, it’s not really ABOUT trusting your husband, it’s about submitting to and trusting God. And if you are truely submitting to God, then when HE tells you to submit to your husband, you will submit to God by submitting to your husband! Sometimes it takes a long time for the scars to heal and this to become clear. It might take until a person is 50 years old. It depends on what they get hung up on along the way. I thank God that I’m figuring this out NOW rather than later after my kids are grown- passing on the misconceptions about submissions is something I do NOT want to do. Do you think not submitting to God or your husband might be one of those generational curses maybe? Hmmm…
Thank you so much! I would appreciate your prayers 🙂
Why does a wife have to submit to her husband? How come nobody writes about a husband having to submit to their wife?
Dear Anonymous: I cannot answer for anyone else, but I will answer for myself. The reason I do not talk about the husband submitting to the wife is because the Bible doesn’t command him to do so. It requires him to do other things – like love his wife sacrificially and unconditionally.
Conversely, I talk about the wife submitting to the husband because the wife is commanded by Paul (Eph. 5:24) to submit to the husband. AND, this seems to be a topic many woman either refuse to acknowledge, or acknowledge it yet struggle to understand what it really means or follow through with doing it! I know the latter is where I’m at so it helps me to talk it out.
Most women want someone to love and then in return to be loved by that someone. Women were created for a help-meet. “Help” being a helper, “meet” being suitable for his needs. We were created to be helpers suitable for our husband’s needs. The world today teaches us we need to be out for ourselves. When we learn to look out for our husband’s needs, he becomes that man we long for. Sometimes it takes time according to the maturity of the husband, but things turn around when our attitude turns around. This in no way negates our value, our peace, our fulfillment. It is all tied together & is a result of believing God had it right. My life is truly blessed and I wouldn’t trade my marriage for any one else’s. I truly am thankful for these truths! We do not do it out of fear or obligation, we do it because God’s truths work and we love and trust HIM!
The Biblical backup:
“Eph. 5:22 Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands, as unto the Lord.
Eph. 5:24 Therefore as the church is subject unto Christ, so let the wives be to their own husbands in every thing.
Eph. 5:33 Nevertheless let every one of you in particular so love his wife even as himself; and the wife see that she reverence her husband.
Col. 3:18 Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands, as it is fit in the Lord.
I Peter 3:1 (ESV) Likewise, wives, be subject to your own husbands, so that even if some do not obey the word, they may be won without a word by the conduct of their wives,”