It’s interesting to me that most people don’t object to an orchestra having a conductor, a company having a CEO, a team having a coach. But when it comes to the most important human relationship, we suddenly act like there should be two people in charge.
The reality is we all want to be in charge. Adults (and children) don’t like being told what to do. And in the case of a healthy marriage, there will be times when a wife must defer to the judgment of her husband (for my first post on submission, click here). I have yet to meet a couple that agrees wholeheartedly on every single issue.
I want to make sure those who are unfamiliar with the Biblical structure of marriage and submission understand the book of Ephesians outlines a husband who is a servant leader, not a whip-cracking one. It does not advocate tyranny or dominance, but a man who loves his wife at all costs and sacrifices himself for her.
I want to make sure those who are familiar with the Biblical structure of marriage and argue the husband should defer to his wife when she is the expert on the subject understand the same passage in Ephesians says the wife should submit to the husband in everything (vs. 24).
In a healthy marriage, the husband will dialog with his wife about choices. And, yes, a healthy husband will take into consideration her expertise, but I really am only focusing here on a wife’s role. And, wives are not asked to submit when the husband is either healthy or fair or smart or funny. It simply says to submit (this precludes sinful requests and abusive relationships – for another post).
Beyond the big picture view of submission, the first practical aspect of submission is:
The look of submission will reflect the style of the conductor.
This was a huge epiphany for me about a year and half ago. Debi Pearl in her book, “Created to be His Help Meet” outlines three different personalities of men. She then outlines what she feels each personality looks for in a wife. (to see an excerpt from this chapter, click here.) I think it’s a great point that because your man is unique, what he expects and how he leads your home will dictate what your role looks like.
With that being said, this is not an excuse for a strong Type A woman to say her husband is passive and therefore expects her to take the role of leader. What it does mean is that if you have a passive husband, it is your job to control your Type A personality enough to allow him to develop into a leader. Our job is to nurture our spouse, which means not only allowing, but also encouraging (not nagging) him to grow and work on his weaknesses, not cover for him (and vice versa).
After reading Ms. Pearl’s book, I spent a frustrating few weeks trying to be what I thought was submissive – allowing my husband to make all the decisions. I quickly realized my conductor doesn’t expect that. In fact, it was frustrating for him since he expects me to run the household so he can do his job at work effectively and efficiently and come home to a safe haven.
He relies on me to make most everyday decisions and to help do research for the bigger decisions. Like I said, it was a paralyzing few weeks (for the both of us) and once I refreshed myself on the idea of the look of submission complementing the personality of my husband we were back in business.
So, which personality is your man? And, what do you intentionally do to compliment his style of conducting?
Oh, and as always, feel free to interject your (strong) opinions in the comment section!
Comments (19)
It is my opinion, that if the husband actually loves his wife as Christ loves the church and is treating her as such, she will WANT to submit to him (if she has no baggage from a domineering, controlling male in her life).
Alot of men like to just order their wives around because THEY don’t want to have to put forth much effort. Sadly, many wives are just a sperm depository.
I love this post and plan to go buy the book today!
i remember going to a wedding before i was a believer and the part about submitting came up in the ceremony. i almost stood up and yelled. . .
DON’T DO IT!! BE YOUR OWN GIRL!!
i have learned so much about submitting since then. i am so thankful that i have a Godly man to lead my way.
will be praying for ryan. he’s such a little fighter! i bet he gets that from his mommy.
you rock!
I do agree that when your husband is trying to love his wife as Christ loves the Church (which I might add is a VERY DIFFICULT calling), it is much easier to submit – even joyful! However, there may be times when it is difficult (when you may not see eye to eye), even when your husband is loving you. During these times, you might not WANT to submit, but you know you should.
I disagree with generalizing and saying men simply dictate out of laziness. Some men may have a skewed idea of what their leadership role is biblically. That is why a church with solid teaching and fellowship is so important. Surrounding yourself with sound teaching, wise counsel and true transparent fellowship will encourage us to grow in our knowledge and understanding of Him, further allowing us to do what he has called us to do.
As women, I strongly caution us against JUDGING the men in our lives (In Proverbs, it says “A man’s ways are wise in his own eyes”) meaning, we usually think we are right. If we go into a relationship with that chip on our shoulders, we are bound to really struggle with submission. The Bible doesn’t say to submit WHEN your husband is fulfilling his role perfectly….but to submit in everything. I would argue that we, as women, often do not allow our husbands to lead, so they eventually stop trying.
It is important to recognize the different ways of leading, as Debbie Pearl mentions in her book. It might not look like we expect…and our husbands might not be expecting what we think they want either. It’s important to communicate and understand how you and your spouse see the roles – both theoretically and practically.
Leighann – Great post and great discussion! This certainly is a hot topic!
What do a dance class and submission have in common? My husband and I took a swing dance class together…it ended up being a metaphor for submission in our marriage. The word picture goes like this…We are dancing perfectly, in time with the rhythm, impressing our instructor, doing great…when all of a sudden I look up because my husband’s feet have suddenly stopped moving. He’s staring at me with this odd expression. He says “are you going to let me lead you now?” And so these dance classes became grounds for some very interesting conversations on submission.
Dear Anonymous (1),
I am not in a circle where men order their wives around so I do not feel qualified to speak to this issue. It seems you have experienced or witnessed this and I’m sorry for that because we know from scripture marriage is a gift from God to us and is meant for our good.
The only thing I can say is that God created men and women to yearn for emotional intimacy. It seems that a woman married to a domineering husband might gain more ground trying to crack his exterior through graciousness and sweetness rather than trying to crack it with a sledgehammer.
I really enjoy reading this post. It seems to me that our pastors need to devote some more time on this subject, not only to the woman and what submission really entails, but also to the man and what being that leader of his family really means and what he is expected to do. Sadly, so many men do see it as a domineering role and the woman as their floor mat.
I am thankful you take the time out of your busy day to post such thought provoking subjects.
We are continuing to pray for Ryan, especially for this Wednesday’s possible surgery.
Leighann, I just want to say that if you ever write a book, I will certainly buy it! You are an incredibly gifted writer, no matter what the subject. I;ve really enjoyed your two posts on submission because I really do feel it is misleading. Most churches don’t elaborate on the topic and it’s just left as “wives submit to your husbands” which gives a lot of husbands a chip on their shoulder and a lot of wives left feeling inferior. I enjoy reading your views on it, it’s opening up my eyes as to how a marriage should work. I’m going to look into getting the book you referenced. thank you again!!
It makes me feel very, very sad that women feel they are required by the words of the bible to submit to their husbands. I am a Christian and have a very happy and healthy marriage and my husband and we agree on things jointly, obviously there are times we don’t agree and he will submit to me or I will submit to him, but it isn’t a one way street. In our vows, we promised to be there for eachother and to respect eachother (among other things) no matter what; it seems to me that any man that feels the need to have his wife be a follower and to be the sole decision maker is not respecting his wife and loving her the way she deserves to be loved. I had to re-read your post to make sure I read it correctly. Honostly, you probably don’t or won’t see it this way, but I feel so very sorry for you. I so wish you felt that it was acceptable to be your own person with your own will. I am seriously stunned. I am not meaning any disrespect, I am just is complete shock. Aside from this, I am praying so hard for your Ryan and your family every day. God bless you.
When we were living in different states for our son’s medical care I was making many decision on my own for many months. Then suddenly when we were all back home under one roof. Our wonderful Pastor said to us “Its going to be rough learning your family dynamics again.” I never thought a second about it as we were so overjoyed to be together again. Yet, a few weeks later, I understood. As I was so used to just making the decisions while living away from Travis, that I had a hard time leaving that role upon returning home as a family again. It was rocky at first and then we fell back into our true roles of him leading and me being his help mate! I love how God places such an amazing ability for our husbands to lead us in such a wise manner. He does things that I would never do and I think oh no. Yet, when its over I look back and say oh my goodness that was such a great decision I can see now why you made that. Over and over again I see why God places the my husband in the role of leader and me as his helper.
I love this topic. Have you ever read the book Biblical Manhood and Biblical Womanhood?
Praying for you today.
Terri and crew
Praying in Colorado,
I think if you study the role and responsiblity of the man in Ephesians 5, you might actually be thankful you are a women. Men are commanded to love his wife like Christ loved the Church. That doesn’t mean your husband simply says “love ya honey” and he is off the hook. Christ sacrificed himself for the church. The bible says that “the son of man came to seek and to save that which is lost”. That means Christ came from a perfect, beautiful environment, heaven, to a sinful place, earth, to save mankind. That saving meant a humiliating and excruciating death on the cross. That does not sound like a domineering, demeaning man touting his power. He through is love won people to himself. Now we know our husbands cant save us. But for a husband to love his wife like Christ loved the church might mean he should “win” his wife’s submission with his actions. If a man loves his wife to submission, he will have better luck than to demand it. A woman who feels truly loved and respected will want to in return respect her husbands wishes, advice and wisdom. Of course the wife has a say in the decisions. But ultimately the man leads the family. He will stand before Christ one day and give an account as to how and why he lead his family the way he did. Unfortunately, the woman needs to submit no matter what. But a wife can win her husband by her behavior. Or change his mind or behavior by her actions. Can’t remember the verse off the top of my head.
We need to obey what the Bible says because it is God’s word. God created the institution of marriage so I’m thinking that He knows the best way of living a Godly marriage.
Leighann,
I enjoy reading your blog. Submission is a very interesting topic. I am praying for Ryan and rejoicing over what God has done so far. love ya.
I agree WHOLEHEARTEDLY with anonymous #5 regarding the role of a husband. I think the responsibility of the husband is so great it’s humbling. I AM thnkful that I don’t have the awesome responsibilty that he has. It would make me tremble with fear to think I’d have to stand before God and answer to my role as leader of the family.
The only issue I would take up with #5 is when she says the woman should submit “no matter what”. Biblically it is “as unto the Lord”. If you will read the book, “Angry Men and the Women Who Love Them” (about abusive men) you will see that some men coerce their wives to do illegal things so they can manipulate and control them with the threat of turning them in. In the book, it also talks of one woman who had cancer (I believe, if I remember right, it was leukemia) and her preacher husband did not want her to take treatment as it would show a lack of faith and reflect badly on his role as a minister. Abusive men take this scriptural submission and RUN with it and beat their wives over the head with it. And they do it only so they can keep the control. Leadership is not being a dictator that can’t be pleased. That type of man CAN’T be pleased. No matter how hard a woman tries, she cannot please him. Nor can she change him. Only God can. So, I guess, in my own opinion, women should submit “as unto the Lord”.
(You took on a HUGE subject here, Leighann!! You are a brave woman, indeed)
Anonymous 1: I wholeheartedly agree with your stance based on your recent explanation, which is why I put in parenthesis “this precludes sinful requests and abusive relationships – for another post”. Because it is ‘as unto the Lord’. Our first obligation is to Christ and his authority and then to our husbands.
I know this is a huge topic and I’m enjoying hearing from everyone, including those who disagree. 🙂
Hi annonymous #1, it’s me annonymous #5. I do agree with you about the fact that some men abuse their power. When writing I mistakenly assumed a healthy biblical marriage. I was trying to disagree with another poster and missed your point. It is true that some men are power hungry and are an actual physical/emotional threat to their wife and/or children. In that case, action and/or counseling is needed for the wife to make sure her environment is safe enough to continue living there or if other living arrangements need to be made. I have been lucky enough to have a godly husband. I sense from your comments that a past relationship has been hurtful. If that is true, I am sorry and hope your future relationships will be healthy and nurturing for you. Emotional pain runs deep and can leave scars. I will pray for you. Thank you for pointing out an obvious error in my opinion. It has been fun discussing this interesting topic. God bless.
Hi to you too, #5 🙂 Honestly I had hoped you meant a HEALTHY Biblical marriage (and deep in my heart I thought you did) but there are some women and men who truly do not understand the dynamics of abusive relationships. Those kind of men often (though not always) pick women who are, for the most part, submissive or meek and really want to please God, and play on their consciences. And I’m not talking about women who like to goad their spouses and see just how far they can go.
I must say, I think your writing on the role of a Godly man is a masterpiece. It is beautifully written and good enough to put in a book!!
I am touched by your concern and honored that you, a stranger, will pray for me. That doesn’t often happen. And, I am still in a long (very long) marriage with him but recently he is acting better. The trust is already gone but it is better than it was.
Dear Praying in Colorado:
I am not sure if you are reading this comment section still, but this is the only way to address your comment without posting a new post on the main page since your email does not show up when you comment. That being said here is my response:
I hesitated responding because I’m not sure quite what to say. First, you indicate by your response that you do not feel the wife need to defer her will to that of her husband and “feel very sad that women feel they are required by the words of the bible to submit to their husbands.” My question based on that response is How do you interpret Eph. 5:24? If you negate it with verse 21 (as I’ve heard argued before) then it makes Paul illogical. There is no reason to state something that is negated in your own letter minutes before. You would simply leave it out. It is also clear in the text that Paul first addresses the church at large, then shifts to the relationship of marriage, then shifts focus to the relationship of child to parent. Verse 21 is in the section of the relationship between believers (outside the family relationship). If you include family relationships in vs. 21, the logically you must include the parent child relationship and say that parents must share decision making responsibilities with children as well.
Secondly, you stated you wished I felt is was acceptable to make decisions for myself and be my own person. In response to that I must say I think you misunderstood my post?? I thought I made it clear that I do make family decisions and that I am my own person in most regards. The point I was trying to make and the one I think you and I differ on is that when there is a butting of heads, the woman is commanded in scripture to defer judgment to her husband. I don’t think this means, nor is there an explicit instruction, that the husband should never defer to the judgment of the wife. In fact, in my marriage, my husband has seen my point of view and changed his decision based on my opinion. And, several times, he has simply made the decision I wanted him to because he knew it was something I really wanted (without me begging, pleading or going forward with something he didn’t want me to do).
However, just because a husband and wife talk things over and the husband decides to go with his wife’s preference instead of his own, does not negate Eph. 5:24 in any way. Does this clear things up, or am I still on a different wavelength?
BTW, thank you for expressing your thoughts and doing it in such a gracious way. 🙂
Leighann, I agree with everything you said, your responses to the comments too. 🙂 You put it all very well. You have much wisdom for someone your age. I have never read the book you mentioned because frankly the title scared me. My parents, BOTH OF THEM, think or at least used to think, that submission meant that the man was the boss and the woman his slave. My parents spent the last 20 or so years trying to get the whole ‘submission’ thing right and could not understand why it was not working. My dad would boss and be ungreatful and act like a flighty irresponsible extremist to my mother to test her whether or not she was going to be submissive this time. Kind of like the first anonymous comment said. I think he was scared of having to be responsible so if he could make it impossible for my mom to succeed then he could blame her for the failure. And my mother who has to have everything ordered just so in her world or she panicks, would try her heart out to be the token doormat. Until she and her OCD could not take it anymore and felt she had to ‘save’ my dad from acting like a fanatic. So she would tell him he’s being an idiot and get depressive and have panick attacks and in general act like a woman unhinged. Then he would gleefully point the finger and say how he knew this would never work because my mom won’t ever let him be the man she always has to wear the pants. For most of my life they have done this. Mom tries to submit as she understands it, acting like a mindless drone, and dad milks it for all it’s worth with a bitter attitude that it’s never going to work. (Much like ‘Praying from Colorado’s’ understanding of it seems to be.) Which is of course as you said, NOT the truth of the matter at all: that’s not what being submissive means at all. And I would cringe at every mention of that word for the longest time because I didn’t know what it meant but my parents’ definition just felt oh so wrong. Then I was listening to a message on the internet and the pastor talked about the role of a woman and it was beautiful. I saw finally what submission was meant to be and I cried! It’s not dictator and doormat! Oh no! It’s so beautiful in reality! I am not supposed to invite abuse or become a drone with no feelings or opinions. I am instead a queen in her realm. I am a spiritual warrior on behalf of my husband! I am the heart of the family! I am a wellspring of strength for my husband when he is feeling beaten down! I have so much power in my realm and I can do so much good with it! I can intercede at the throne of God on behalf of my man. So beautiful really, and so very sad that so many don’t know what it really means. Like my parents. I keep thinking they are starting to get it and then things go south again. I remember when I was maybe 4 years old they were talking of divorce. They are just miserable because there are so many years of resentments and scars built up. I have been married 7 1/2 years and I’m so happy! But I still have the scars of being raised with those messed up notions of submission and sometimes I freak out. I’m so thankful for a steady and patient husband who loves me through my fits and mistakes as I learn how to be a better wife!
Wow, what an amazing series. I just ran across it.
Anonymous #1, I just prayed for you, too, and I will continue, when the Lord brings you to my remembrance. Praying for someone shouldn’t feel rare. You made me tear up. I can almost guarantee that Leighann and others are praying for you, too.
A church friend of mine was being physically and emotionally abused. She was given “The Power of a Praying Wife” by Stormie Omartian. The most amazing thing she ever told me was that she started praying for him, in ways the book suggested, possibly with a partner, and he really changed! He suddenly did an about face on issues he was dead set about. Now,I know that sounds simplistic, and difficult relationships aren’t usually cut and dry. I haven’t talked to L. in years. But, I know they are still together 8 years later, and the pastor’s wife told me they seem to be doing well. I pray it is so, and I’ll pray for God to give you grace to pray for your husband, and for him to be won to Christ by your reactions, as well as for him to continue to treat you better and better.
Do you know Christ as your Savior? If that’s not terminology with which you are familiar, someone would be glad to explain, as it is the only pathway to true peace. “His grace is sufficient for me, and his strength is made perfect in weakness.”
The Biblical backup:
“Eph. 5:22 Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands, as unto the Lord.
Eph. 5:24 Therefore as the church is subject unto Christ, so let the wives be to their own husbands in every thing.
Eph. 5:33 Nevertheless let every one of you in particular so love his wife even as himself; and the wife see that she reverence her husband.
Col. 3:18 Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands, as it is fit in the Lord.
I Peter 3:1 (ESV) Likewise, wives, be subject to your own husbands, so that even if some do not obey the word, they may be won without a word by the conduct of their wives,”