When I was pregnant with Ainsley I read a book about sibling rivalry. I don’t remember that much from the book, but I do remember two things. The first was that much sibling rilvary can be avoided by encouraging kids to work as a team to get things done instead of saying, “Let’s see who can be the first to…” or “Let’s see who is the fastest.” Makes sense, right?
The second was that sometimes you just need to help a child verbalize her feelings and assure her that you still love her. I did this successfully with Natalie when Ainsley and I came home from the hospital and Natalie seemed jealous of all the mommy time the new baby was getting.
This past Saturday, I used this method again and was shocked by the quick result.
I woke up early in the morning (7 a.m. is early for me) and started getting ready to go down to see Ryan. Natalie came into the bathroom and asked me why I was in the shower. A great question since it was still dark outside. 🙂 When I told her I was going down to see Ryan she immediately started fussing and saying that she didn’t want me to go. I first tried the tactic of explaining to her how logical it was for me to visit Ryan in the morning so I could be back for the afternoon/evening festivities. “But you’ll miss the treating.” she whined. “I’m not going to miss the Trick-or-Treating, sweetie. I’m just going for a few hours. I’ll be back before you know it.” I tried to sound chipper, but she wasn’t biting.
A little while later I was putting the finishing touches on my makeup. Ainsley was puttering around me in the bathroom and Natalie must’ve noticed how happy we were. “No one will play horses with me.” she cried. She was practical writhing around on the floor with jealousy. After a few minutes of this Ainsley offered to play with her. “You’re too late.” she snapped and then continued complaining that no one would play with her. Annoyed with her behavior I snapped at her – “Don’t refuse to play with your sister and then complain no one will play with you.”
I finally looked at her and said, “Natalie, why don’t you just say what you’re really upset about…” I hate to admit I didn’t say it very nicely or very chipper. I said it pretty harshly because I was sick of all the whining.
She looked at me quizzically.
“What are you really upset about?” I asked again.
“Horses?” she tried meekly.
“No. You’re upset that mommy is going to see Ryan and isn’t staying here with you this morning. You feel like you didn’t get to see me yesterday because you were in school and now you won’t see me again this morning. You’re upset because you can’t come with me and you haven’t seen Ryan for a long time. You’re upset because he isn’t home yet and has to stay in the hospital. And guess what? I am too. I hate that I can’t be with my kids all at one time. I hate that Ryan can’t live at home with us. But I want to go to see Ryan and I want to go this morning so I can come home and be with you the rest of the day because I miss you too.”
I pulled her onto my lap and hugged her tight while I was saying all this. I kissed her hair and her cheek and probably said ‘I love you’ several times.
And wouldn’t you know it. After that she jumped off my lap, stopped whining and went to play with Ainsley. I don’t remember her whining the entire rest of the time I was getting ready and when I left she sweetly said, “Bye, mommy” and went back to playing.
It was so weird. Just like when she was a toddler and I told her how much I still loved her even though we had a new baby in the house, she said nothing. She never affirmed vocally what I was saying was how she felt. She never made a peep. She just listened to what I had to say and then radically changed her behavior. It makes me such a strong believer in looking beyond the behavior to the feelings (whether with children or adults).
Have any of you ever experienced something like this?
(c) 2016 Leighann Marquiss
Comments (12)
I am a firm believer in doing exactly what you did with Natalie. Lay whatever is bothering them right out on the line, even if it is painful for you to say it (as the parent) or for the child to hear it. It makes the child realize that you are paying attention to what is going on in their world, even if they think you aren’t. I think it is also important for children to see/hear that their parents make mistakes (“I shouldn’t have been so grumpy and raised my voice to you earlier, I am just overwhelmed, tired, etc… and it wasn’t right to take that out on you”) and apologize for that behavior.
You are doing such a great job in keeping everything running smoothly. Lucky girls to have you as their mom!!
Here’s to hoping that you all will be a family in the same house very soon.
~Wendy in MD
I work in a preschool and that’s exactly what we do. We look for the underlying problem and verbalize it.
Way to go! You really get your kiddos.
Wow! Thank you for that post! I really needed it right now! My son has been yelling at his big sister so much lately and he has been so moody and whiny! I am going to try that method as soon as I can! Sometimes as a parent we take our kids for granted and we don’t always think about WHY they are doing something. Thank you again! I love your blog and am praying often for your family!
Love, Hugs & Prayers!
Lizz
LOVE this post. Maybe your next one could be on how to do this with adults so that’s it’s loving and not condescending :)… still working on that.
What a great reminder to try with kids. I have two boys and our youngest had 7 hospitalizations in 15 months. He is almost 2 now and we are heading into winter again -the time we have the most problems. Our older one is only 3 1/2 and I have figured out a lot of times what he needs is me to affirm he is scared or assure him his brother is ok for right now or just verbalize his frustration. He usually responds so positively to it and has helped me remember even when he can’t say he is scared, he probably still is and we should acknowledge his feelings.
We have also played doctor alot with the baby doll they have. It has helped both of them understand the daily meds and therapies we have to do with the younger one.
i need to be more aware of this stuff…think about what is behind their behavior!
you are doing such a GREAT job, leighann!
Great job, even with all you have on your plate your still doing a great job balancing and affirming your love for your children. Well done.
i do what you do and you are such a great mommy and your kiddos are blessed to have you!!!
My children really went through a period of being jealous of their younger brother when he went through his bone marrow transplant. We have all learned and are still learning the ways to deal with this and slowly getting ourselves back on track. You are a wonderful mother.
Lots of love and much prayer for Ryan and the whole family,
I’m so glad you guys were able to get to the root of the REAL issue. Positive reinforcement is the best way to go and you did just that. I think it’s great that you were able to admit that you were wrong in raising your voice….we all get that way and it’s normal, but admitting that you made a mistake is a BIG deal to a child. GOOD FOR YOU GUYS!!!
BEST WISHES AND GOD BLESS
http://www.ryanschd.blogspot.com
YES!!! I am experiencing it now…and your post was an answer to prayer. I’ve been getting so frustrated and snapping at my big boys who are being whiny, mean and selfish after almost a whole year of mommy being pregnant and on bed rest and now getting over a csection!!! They are just trying as hard as me to get used to the new baby! It doesn’t help that I’m sleep deprived and sore from a c-section, but that’s not their fault! Boy do I need an attitude check before I ask them to check theirs!!!
Thanks for sharing your heart!! I check your blog daily and pray for you often.
it really is a cultural difference as well as generational. i grew up in a house where expressing our feelings was not encouraged. it was about strict obedience. but now, my friends that are moms are trying to learn from that and are so patient and loving with their kids. it’s really something great. <3 you're a great mom.