Love…. we say ‘I love you’ a lot in our house. So much that I once asked a counselor friend of mine if she thought I would set the bar too high for my kids to have to hear the words ‘I love you’ often from their spouses to really feel loved.
Beyond saying those three little words, I also say things like, “Do you know how much your mommy (or daddy) loves you?” “Do you understand there is nothing you can do in this world to make mommy love you less?” “Do you understand there is nothing you can do in this world to make mommy love you more?” “I just love you for being you.” In fact one time Natalie’s eyebrows shot up as she understood fully when I said, “Even if you grow up and are really, really good at basketball, it won’t make me love you any more than I love you today” because she knows how much her dad and I love playing basketball.
And today, when I was having this conversation with Ainsley she said, “Cause I not a bad guy. But if I turn into a bad guy, I be mean.” And I wish I would’ve said, “Even if you turn into a bad guy, mommy will love you.” But I missed that opportunity and agreed with her that she wasn’t a bad guy.
What got me thinking about this? The radio commentators I listened to today talked about Michael Jackson’s death and what his legacy was and asked what we wanted our legacy to be.
If I died today, what would I want my kids to remember about me? That I was a gourmet cook? That our house was always clean? That I was a fabulous decorator? Although we know all three of these are absolutely true about me, eh-um, I decided I want them to remember how much I love them, how much I love their dad, and how much I love God – in that order.
Some might argue they should know how much I loved God first – that God should take priority in everything, but I would argue it serves them little to know how much I loved God if they don’t know how much I loved them. Because without feeling loved themselves, they will care very little for how I felt about God.
And figuring out how to balance meeting my children’s need for love – all of my children – is my current dilemma. You see, as a parent with one child in the hospital and two children at home, I am constantly torn on how to spread the wealth so to speak.
When I am home, Ryan is by himself. Yes, yes, he has volunteers that hold him and sit with him, but that’s not the same as his mommy. And that bonding is so important for our relationship. I hate to dissect the mind of a four and a half month old, but he hasn’t really smiled at me since the night before his tissue expansion surgery and he averts his eyes a lot now when I’m holding him. It’s almost as if he is mad at me and doesn’t want to connect.
He has plenty of smiles for the techs and nurses who take care of him around the clock and very little interest in this mommy person who visits for as little as four hours a day. Heartbreaking to say the least.
And the girls? Ainsley is doing great. Her love language is touch which is easy for me to do as I tuck her in at night or when she crawls into my bed in the morning and we snuggle while allowing ourselves to wake up s-l-o-w-l-y. When her tank is low, she simply climbs into my lap and sits with me until the needle climbs its way back up to full. She is the one who chases after us when we leave the house and says, “One more” meaning one more kiss and hug before you leave.
Natalie on the other hand seems to be a time person. And let me tell you, she’s insatiable. I don’t know if it’s a first child thing, but that girl loves spending time with her mommy. And that’s something I don’t have much of these days.
When Ryan is in the hospital I am constantly choosing what will get done and what won’t. Do I spend time with the girls or do I do the dishes? Do I play with the girls or do I put laundry away? I know this is normal for moms with more than one child, but it seems amplified by the fact that I’m exhausted from traveling an hour each way to see my son on a daily basis.
Will Natalie remember a mom who crashed for an hour or two in her bed on really bad days instead of playing Polly Pockets? Or a mom who was always trying to get one more thing done before doing crafts? We used to have so much fun… and were just getting back into a routine with Ryan being home for two months.
But now, with Ryan back in the hospital the last three and a half weeks, we are back to long trips in the car and limited play options in a hospital room. I worry about how this chapter in our lives will affect the girls, how it will affect Ryan. Will the girls feel invisible? Will Ryan feel neglected? And what steps do I take to combat these perceptions?
Love….hmmmm. What do you want people to remember about you?
(c) 2016 Leighann Marquiss
Comments (9)
I agree that our children need to first know that we love them. It is so important. When they see how much we love them, they can better comprehend God’s love.
How difficult that must be juggling it all with your son in the hospital. I can’t even imagine! My heart breaks for you.
I struggle with time too… it is such a precious commodity.
My heart goes out to you Leighann and the internal struggles you are having every day that only you and Henry can truly reconcile for your family.
What I will share with you though is that you are NOT alone, your circumstances may be a little more extreme than others (ok a LOT more) but we all have the struggle with balance and how to be the best parent to our individual children and their individual needs/wants/desires.
Soooo, I DAILY pray that God will fill in the gaps in my parenting, that he will fill the need that I miss b/c I’m in the laundry room. That God, who is the PERFECT Father will give them the desires of their heart.
On a more earthly, practical note, just the fact that you are aware of this imbalance puts you leaps and BOUNDS beyond the average parent.
Much love and prayers coming your way.
Jennifer
Leighann, we pray every night for Ryan but we also pray that God gives you strength and wisdom and gives the girls comfort as their mommy is going to the hospital a lot. I can’t imagine the “emotional” choices you have to make everyday. I agree with Jennifer that just the fact of you are aware of the insecurity the situation may cause might help you to focus on the deficits.
I think children are tougher than we give them credit for. Thier memory of these years might not be as acurate as yours. PTL You only can do your best and pray that God fills in the cracks. You are setting a great example to your kids on how loving and sensitive to thier emotional needs you are.
love ya beebs.
I think having one child in the hospital and more at home has to be one of the most difficult things parents have to cope with. From reading your blog, you seem to deal with the situation really well. Your family is in our prayers daily.
I can only hope that my children know that I loved them and tried to do all that I possibly could for them.
My heart breaks for you as I read that Ryan hasn’t smiled for you lately. I know that concerns you, but I’m sure he will smile big and bright for you once again soon. Just think how that will brighten your day!!
I love you, Leighann, and I pray that Ryan heals quickly and that your life will soon return to the home routine that you and your family desire. Hugs and Kisses!!
Richelle
I love that Love Language book! I have the adult and kid’s version and was just revisiting it about a month ago! One of my son’s love languages is gifts (nice!!) but he seriously remembers who gave him every single thing he owns. And when he gets something new he carries it around for days and days, never loosing it! And he never wants junk, just really good toys. So that’s an easy one, just expensive 🙂
I know my cousin Julie went through this struggle big time with her little girl Olivia. She has two older kids and then Olivia who spent more time in the hospital than she ever did at home. Olivia’s illness destroyed their family life since Julie basically lived at the hospital which was over an hour from their house. Olivia went to be with Jesus in May and I know now that she has no regrets about how much time she spent with Olivia, even though it was at the expense of her other kids. Her older kids are doing great and I truly believe that God’s grace covered them and protected their little minds and hearts during the time when mommy had to be away.
I’m praying for your girls that their love tanks will be full all the time and that God will bring lots of people into their lives to love on them even when you’re not there!! I’m praying for you too! It sounds like you’ve got great wisdom in figuring this all out, but I’m sure it’s exhausting and then there’s always some mommy guilt. May the Grace of God just cover you and remind you that He will never give you more than you can handle in those difficult moments.
God gave you each one of your three kids because he knew that you would be the perfect mommy for them. He knew that you would love them better than anyone else could! And I think you’re doing a darn good job!
I say those things all the time too! Oh, this post tugged at my heartstrings, because I remember how torn I felt when one of my kids was in the hospital… I KNOW what your children will remember will be all the wonderful things you do for them all the time to show them that you love them!! Those are the times that make memories, and I PROMISE you they will not feel neglected when you are taking care of Ryan, because you know exactly how to make them feel special. That’s what counts – not spending every second of every day giving them your undivided attention.
OH Leighann, you are wonderful to say the least, and God knows where you are and the enemy is nipping at your heals of doubt, your girls will remember you as the mom who always gave her all no matter what.
Dealing with the world as it comes to them builds very resilient children. The thing I say to one of my four – when one is in a crisis and everyone is eating cereal for dinner -is ‘you know we would do this for you, if you were sick/in trouble/having a hard time.’ And they watch what you do, way more than what you say.