Two steps forward

I remain silent in this space due to time not commitment. Although one would be hardpressed to convince me they are committed to something if they can’t find the time to do it. So I eat my words. I long to journal here, to converse, to process, but the days are long with four kids in tow. I take two steps forward and one back each day it seems. My anger is less, but I can’t tell if that’s because these hobbits of mine make me forget or if it really is dissipating.

I’m speaking with trusted friend – a mentor of sorts who has walked with me the last five or more years, and have had more conversations with myself than ever – so many arguments in my head… so many things never spoken – but somehow even allowing myself the freedom to think things I normally set aside brings freedom. I feel lighter in some ways and am unsure if it’s the talking to a friend who is ever so wise, or those private conversations with myself (including prayers to God – since my private conversations somehow always end up in a conversation with the Almighty), but something, something is moving.

Through those conversations I have found my voice. MY voice. Not the voice of another telling me my feelings are invalid or unimportant or worthless. I am validating myself. Sounds so new-agey, so mystic, but the truth is, it’s necessary and empowers me to believe in myself, not in a confident way – – I’ve always known I could do anything I set my mind to – more in a “I have value” way. That I am WORTHY of a reaction to that which was done to me. That the little girl who was swept aside and under-prioritized is WORTHY of prioritization. That things that were done are not okay. That it’s okay to rock the boat… okay to rock it so hard that it may tip over on its head.. that capsized is the healthiest place for this particular boat to be.

My voice matters.  Not for recompense, but for acknowledgment.

Some say it’s healing to go back and speak with those who have wronged you… just to have a voice. I’m finding it healing to allow myself a voice within myself. I feel like I’m talking in circles and not making sense. What I’m trying to say is that because others didn’t value me enough to react to my experiences in the past I think I actually believed them… believed there was no reason to stand up for myself or make my voice be heard with those who so easily dismiss(ed) me. Just the act of acknowledging myself has been healing. I’m not even sure if I need anyone else to hear me at this point. I’m happy with hearing myself (maybe later I will deal with others).

There’s a learning curve to finding your voice – a difference with being loud and being heard. I hear myself being harsh with the kids and my husband longing to just stick up for who I am…. I hope my kids don’t remember this part of the process. Hopefully some day soon I’ll come out on the other side of the curve with more grace, yet still believing I am important enough to sit at the table, to join the discussion, not for the sake of others but for my own. Until then, I’m leaning in to the curve.