Submission is a strange topic in that it is the role of the woman yet it seems like when I talk about submission there is a lot of talk about the husband, his role, and his lack of or overuse of leadership. If the husband does XYZ, then the woman should submit. Or, if the husband does XYZ, then woman should take the reigns. So let’s get one thing straight –
Submission is an attitude not an action.
Okay, read that again please. Slowly. I’ll still be here when you get back don’t worry. Seriously. Read it one more time. Okay, moving on…
One of the most important things I’ve learned in my marriage has more to do with me than my husband. After a particularly hard time in my marriage I remember crying out to God asking, “What in the world is going on?” And that is when God hit me with a two-by-four.
You are contentious.
What? Who said that and what do you mean? I pride myself on how patient I am with my husband and his ways…. How respectful I am of his decisions for our family… how helpful I am with his needs around the house and with his work environment. I’m a pretty darn dutiful wife if I do say so myself!
Contentious? Not me!
But then I thought back over the ways I respond to my husband when I am under stress or annoyed with his behavior. I realized that whether or not I thought he started it, I certainly do not help the situation when I am not shy about making a snide comment. I considered that when he had a certain way he wanted to do things that I didn’t agree with, while I went through with his way of doing things, more often than I probably realized I threw in some version of ‘I’ll do this because you’re telling me to not because it’s my, er, I mean, the best way. And don’t say I didn’t tell you so.”
And that’s when it hit me. Submission has nothing to do with our actions and everything to do with our attitude. It doesn’t matter what I do for my husband, if I do it with a poor attitude it isn’t worth crap. (Am I allowed to use that word in the blogosphere? I mean, the apostle Paul used the word dung…)
So I made a set of rules with which to approach this thing called ‘my marriage.’
- I will no longer make a snide comment when I feel attacked by my husband.
- I will no longer defend myself to what I perceive as criticism.
- I will no longer argue about pitifully small and inconsequential things.
- And really big here – I will no longer base my actions and attitudes on those of my husband’s.
You see, this goes back to my first ever post on submission. If I truly believe that my relationship with my husband is a picture of Christ and the church, well then, really what I’m saying is that submitting to my husband (in attitude and deed) is my responsibility to God not a reward for my husband’s behavior. See, how I treat my husband has very little to do with him, and everything to do with my attitude toward what Christ has done for me. Notice I did not say what Christ has asked of me because “If you love me then you will keep my commandments” and well, “We loved Him because He first loved us.” and see, “God so loved the world that He gave His one and only Son.” It all really goes back to what was done for me on the cross.
Here is an article my MIL sent me a few weeks ago after reading one my earlier posts and I couldn’t agree with it more. The author eloquently states my theory even better than I do. He points out that submission and obedience differ in some huge ways. Probably the biggest is that obedience can be carried out with a terrible attitude and against someone’s will. It is something the person does because they have to (think five year old who doesn’t want to get dressed, but does by stomping her feet all the way up the steps and into her room. This is just hypothetical, nothing we’ve ever experienced in our house).
But submission is something that cannot be carried out against someone’s will because it is an attitude. It is something a person does because they not only choose to, but because they want to. Stomping around, banging fists, and making snide remarks is not submission – it’s obedience. And while obedience can happen within submission, submission cannot happen without a gracious attitude. I encourage you to read the article, the author says this much better than I can. J
Submission you see has nothing to do with whom you are submitting to and everything to do with you – with how you decide to respond; with how you decide to live your own life regardless of how your spouse is living his; with how you decide you will treat your spouse regardless of how he decides to treat you.
Submission is not a reward for good behavior or wise behavior. Submission is deciding you will respect and love your husband and his agenda before consulting your own agenda (now I’m stepping on my own toes!).
I’m sure this is making some of you hyperventilate. That’s okay. We’re here to discuss. The comment section is open… so comment away. You know I have thick skin so be open with your struggles, concerns, and downright disagreements! I look forward to hearing your thoughts.
To review the entire conversation read:
Part One Part Two Part Two Follow Up
Comments (13)
Your post on submission always have PERFECT timing! I agree with you 100%. I love my husband with my every being and I WANT (let me say it again… WANT) to submit to his authority as the spiritual leader in our home! I say “home” for a reason. I feel that a house with a family inside, with love, with Christ, is a HOME… Our home will serve God, and we will follow his guidelines for my husband to be the spiritual leader. I will submit to that! Thanks for a great post!
Here! Here! Great post on submission. I absolutely agree with everything you wrote.
In theory, I WANT to submit to my husband.
I know I should.
I have also seen the blessings when I have.
After all that, you would think, then, that it would be easier to continue to do it.
I think Paul puts it best when he writes about doing exactly what he doesn’t want to do while NOT doing what he longs to do for Christ.
I still struggle with the practical daily steps that keep me on the right path (I think most of us do if we’re being honest with ourselves).
I would advise women to surround yourself with wise counsel. As women, we can seek out those who will encourage a good attitude or who can foster that contentious attitude (He did WHAT?!?! or ‘I wouldn’t take that if I were you!’). I have this friend who is as passionate about this topic as I am and she has helped to encourage me to stay the course for Christ when things are particularly difficult (aka – my attitude is horrible and I won’t snap out of it). My walk with Christ and my marriage have both been blessed and grown deeply because of it!
That being said, at the end of the day, it comes down to me….and how I respond. It just helps to have that accountability and encouragement along the way.
Thank you for your post today. I especially had my interest perk up with “Even with a selfish husband it is still possible that he will acknowledge that the road is bad and that they will turn back to take another route”. Wow…. that is so powerful. We been through very rough time 10 years ago and through the grace of God another road was taken and so prayerfully thankful for that.
It hit me today and I felt the need to share. I typed this REALLY long response, and then was told that my comment at to be at most 4,096 characters.
Ha. That should give you an idea of how long my response was.
So instead…I am making my exact comment a post on my blog….check it out and maybe pass it along to your readers.
Ill attach your blog to my post also.
http://www.mistyrice.me
I put my post/thoughts/response up on my blog.
I just copied and pasted this to my email so I could print it out and sit down and really read it, thank you for sharing. I have only been reading your blog for a short time, I am praying for Ryan all the time and the girls too, praying for peace and calm for yah’ll. You have such a wonderful blessings in your family.
When I grow up I wanna be just like you. 🙂 MIL
awesome, leighann! HUGE part of a “happy” marriage…is “getting” this! it’s MY attitude…NOT his. THANKS for sharing! i’m going to have to read it again…slower…when i have some quiet moments…
I need these posts. Thank you. Sometimes Eph. 5:24 isn’t exactly quoted in the posts, so I thought I’d post it. (for the naysayers to come =) But the search also automatically turned up other references, so I’ll include them.
“Eph. 5:22 Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands, as unto the Lord.
Eph. 5:24 Therefore as the church is subject unto Christ, so let the wives be to their own husbands in every thing.
Eph. 5:33 Nevertheless let every one of you in particular so love his wife even as himself; and the wife see that she reverence her husband.
Col. 3:18 Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands, as it is fit in the Lord.
I Peter 3:1 (ESV) Likewise, wives, be subject to your own husbands, so that even if some do not obey the word, they may be won without a word by the conduct of their wives,”
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