I am passionate on the subject of submission. I know – what a topic to be passionate about. Having been marriage over 13 years, I still somewhat struggle with figuring out exactly what submission looks like and all it entails. I have wanted to post on this topic for some time, but haven’t had enough time to do the amount of research needed to completely figure out my full ideology. However, Friday night, I found myself in a discussion with a group of friends on the topic of submission and thought I would give a few thoughts here on my view of the ‘s’ word. These thoughts are nowhere near comprehensive and I welcome any feedback – male and female.
There are so many theories and ideas floating around out there about submission -what it is and how it looks practically. It can be confusing and controversial and misconstrued. Even in conservative religious circles, submission is tricky to talk about.
I think the biggest problem is that while scripture clearly says that women should submit to their husbands, there is little practical application presented in the text. Therefore, we are given the task of figuring out exactly what it looks like.
In my thirteen years of marriage, I have listened to various speakers, read various books and had many discussions, both one-on-one and in group settings on what submission actually means. First, let’s define the word. Webster’s defines to submit as “To yield to governance or authority; to defer to or consent to abide by the opinion or authority of another.”
Friday, we asked the question, “What is the hardest thing about submission for the woman?” My answer is simple: It’s hard knowing you are capable of leading and making decisions yet stepping back to allow someone else have that role.
God didn’t set up the roles in marriage because women are stupid and need a man to tell them how to live life. In fact, a man who tells a woman how to live her life is not a leader, he’s a tyrant. (women, stop clapping now). Submission isn’t about one person lording authority over another… in fact, it is really not about the marriage relationship at all.
Wow, I have your attention now, don’t I?
Submission (and marriage) – in my humble view – is about creating a picture of our relationship with Christ. When reading the passage in Ephesians 5, there are so many references about Christ and his church it can be confusing to figure out when Paul is talking about the marriage relationship and when he is talking about the spiritual relationship. I find myself taking out a piece of paper and drawing diagrams to keep straight who does what. Wives do this, husbands do this, Christ does this, the church does this…
When we understand this big picture view, perhaps we are then able to understand the smaller scale view. Perhaps it becomes more palatable? You tell me if that’s true.
I want you to think about this… really think about this. The next time (as a woman) you find yourself stiffening at a decision or action your husband is taking for your family, ask yourself… how would I respond to Christ? Ephesians 5:24 says, Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything. (NIV)
Does this mean your husband is all-knowing? No.
Does this mean he won’t make mistakes? No.
Does this mean you will have to sit back and allow him to make mistakes? Yes.
A revealing answer also came on Friday when we asked the question, “what is the hardest part about leading for the man?” One answer was “I hesitate to lead because I’m scared I’ll screw up.” (btw, I believe the topic of failure is a core issue in many men’s lives and drives many of their actions, but that has to wait for another post)
Let me ask you this. What happens when we don’t have grace enough to allow our husbands to make mistakes? What is the result when we say “I told you so” or “You big fat jerk. Now look what you did.” Does this make our husbands better leaders or encourage them to learn from their mistakes?
What happens when we take the reigns and do something our husband specifically asks us not to do?
What happens when we know Christ is asking us to do something and willfully do the opposite?
Oh dear. I only scratched the tip of the iceberg and I’m already stepping on a lot of toes. For now, I will get off my soapbox and let you speak. Seriously, folks. The comment section is open. Agree with me? Great, let me know. Disagree with me? Even better – let me know! Also, what are some areas of submission that you struggle with or don’t understand?
And, if this is all jibberish to you and you don’t understand what I mean by Christ and his church. Click here.
Comments (15)
You know where I stand on the issue. I think the “not in control” aspect of submission is the hardest part for me, and I think the command to love your wife as Christ loves the church is a really tall order. Seriously, we just have to act like the church… the human church. Guys have to try and emulate God. The possibility for failure to completely fulfill that is certain. And I can see why a husband would rather measure their loving ability by human standards. But if a woman respects her husband, and a man loves her as Christ does, I don’t see how that could go wrong.
I know there are lopsided marriages where the woman doesn’t respect, or the man doesn’t love, but if both the man and the wife fulfill their roles, it’s pretty awesome.
Thanks for writing on this topic. I often need to be reminded of this.
I found myself thinking about this the other day while I was driving. The hardest part of being married for me is when we are deadlocked in a disagreement and neither one of us is willing to budge. As I thought about it, it was like God was asking me the questions I never ask myself.
How can these difficulties be resolved when neither one wants to give in? The answer I heard was surrender, someone has to be willing to die to self, not because they are tired of arguing or because they are afraid of the other person leaving, but because, I believe there is a blessing from God in choosing to submit. That is something you only find when you choose to trust God with the outcome and somehow manage to trust Him with all the other emotions that go along with submitting. I have never seen in scripture where it says that part is easy.
I want God’s blessing on my life but sometimes the whole idea of submission brings up all my old insecurities and wounds from my childhood and my past. I have found there is only one thing that helps and that is choosing to submit, knowing that God has something in store for me that will deepen my relationship with Him, which is what I want.
I have found the few times that I have been willing to do that in my marriage that suddenly it has been like a weight has been lifted off of me. My husband at that point feels respected, the weight of responsibility has been lifted off of me and I find I can rest. One of the things about submission is that it is hard to rest and trust Jesus when I am busy worrying about whether or not I can have my way, even if my way seems better to me. The other thing I have found is that if I do get my way in refusing to submit there is no pleasure in it for me, I got my way but lost my joy and often in having my way it never quite turns out the way I thought it would.
I think submission is about surrendering our will to God’s will and trusting Him with our husband’s decisions and His decisions even if our husband plan doesn’t turn out the way we hoped. I am sure that we receive much from the Lord than we can possibly imagine, it is just so difficult to learn to do it while trusting God with the results.
I agree with you,.. and both Maggie and Lori. And submission does seem hard to do. But yes,…there is such a blessing when we choose to do it. When we choose to honor God and our husbands,…blessings flow.
Linda @ Truthful Tidbits
Wow, you really like opening a can of worms, don’t you? Seriously, this is a wonderful subject to be broaching. I really liked where you talked about women taking the reins and doing something their husband specifically told them not too. I had a time with that early on in my marriage, but the Lord finally got it through my thick skull that I was not right in doing so.
One thing I would add is that although the man ultimately has the final decision making responsibility, he does need to consider his wife’s view, as at times she has more experience in some things than he does and our pastor has always told the man they need to respect and honor their wife’s mind and all her capabilities, even bowing to the fact that she may know more than he does in certain areas.
I told my niece, you cannot go into any marriage if you are selfish. It will never work, either on the man or the woman’s side.
So many men and women need to understand submission and the role of the wife before they ever exchange those vows. Marriage can and is a wonderful experience, if you follow the bible example that God gave us, loving each other as Christ loved the church.
Submission doesn’t come easy, but its a lot easier when we understand that marriage is a picture of Christ and the church, you are so right about that!
Read, Sacred Influence by Gary Thomas. GREAT book. And really helps us understand why we should, and how we can submit.
Hmmmmm….interesting, as I was going to post on this EXACT same topic today (or this week). As we just had this topic in service in her church this weekend.
My BFF is the husband of our amazing church and so I am freely able to give my thoughts and questions directly to my pastor, because he is like a big brother to me over the last 10 year I have known him.
I thought the way he presented it this weekend was great and anyone that wants to listen to the service can on podcast at http://www.cbglades.com
My question that I have or really an suggestion I want to present to him and will is exact what you said…. so often we only here the part about “being submission”…. but as my pastor mentioned last night, people for the verse right before that, were is says BOTH submit to one another. Then the roles fall into place. Husbands submit to the LORD and wives to their husbands. I get all of that.
But I think what the church is forgetting to add into play in our very visual world are some specifics examples and direction on how and where does this submissive role come into play.
It is NOT about the husband wearing the pants in the home. Or having authority over thier wives. In fact the bible never once says that the wives must obey their husbands, and it doesn’t say that God looks at man as a higher spiritual being than the women.
There is so much I could keep on and say but I think I too still want to write a post about this, so come check it out when I actually get it up.
But if you get the chance tune in at http://www.chglades.com on this subject over the weekend.
I think my husband was more nervous on this topic this weekend than I was because his hand started to sweat while holding mine. This has been a very hard “word” or topic before me and still at times can me. I am very strong, independent and when you have dealt with so many “power house” controlling men it can make it very hard for a women to trust their lives, protection and be submissive to the husbands. The wives first must feel RESPECTED, loved, cherished, secure, and gently cared for and appreciated by her husband and THEN will her heart soften and WANT and be WILLING to be submissive.
But just as confusing as it can be for women to understand their roles….. its also very important that the MEN hear their specific roles played out by a Godly leader, not their buddies view on what that means, not the worlds view on what that means, not the dictionaries view on that word.
Men, instead of worrying if the wife is doing her role properly or not, that is not your job. Focus on your GODLY role and leadership in the marriage and THEN let your wife and God figure out her role.
At the end of it all….. God wants to see this marriage, YOUR marriage, OUR marriage and MARRIAGES in general be stronger, more loving and fun and happy and last for a lifetime. That is the purpose. And believe me women, don’t worry about what your husband may be thinking….. if he is abusing the term or his position to walk over you, control you and disrespect your value….. he has to answer to GOD and God will look out for you as his daughter.
So women take a deep breath and be open to understand this word submissive and its biblical meaning in your marriage….. it really is OK and EASY to do and follow when both people understand it in a kind and respectful way.
good stuff, leighann!!! i love all your thoughts. and it’s great to be reminded WHY we are called to submit…because it’s a picture of something SO much bigger (and perfect, i might add…which we are NOT! :-))
i’ve been SO blessed to be married to a guy that is easy to submit too. and when we do disagree and i have submitted…it’s always been a HUGE blessing in the long run!
Oh please share more!!! I too am a believer, my husband and I grew up in drastically different homes, and therefore have some very opposite beliefs. I agree with your interpretation of submission, however I struggle so much with it. In my home growing up, my dad was NEVER around so my mom ran the house, I mean bought and sold homes, vehicles, paid the bills, did the yard work, shopping, managed the car repairs, etc. My husband grew up where his mother stayed home for life, and didn’t really make any decisions. I was raised to be self-sufficient, and so it is difficult to admit that he is the head of the house hold, and in that accept his decisions. Wow I really hope you share more. Thanks so much for this! I really truly needed it today
Agree wholeheartedly!!I think I have more trouble submitting to Christ.
Thanks for sharing!
Bravo, well said, I wish I could explain it that well to all the non believers in my life, maybe I will forward your blog onto some of them. Thanks for putting it so eloquently.
I absolutely agree with you. And in situations where the husbands life is full of undealt with sin issues the wife can respect the position without respecting the person.
One very freeing thing for me to learn (during my first marriage) was that we do not have to follow our husbands into sin. Their authority does not supercede God’s. However, if it’s not sin I have to do it.
Not only do I have to do it, but I have to do it with a submissive heart. THIS is where I struggle. Like Maggie said, it’s hard to not be in control. I believe the literal interpretation in Genesis where it says “her desire shall be for her husband…” says that her desire shall be to rule over her husband.
We women have a need to micro-manage. We need to know what is coming around the corner. The hardest moments of submission come when my husband’s decision goes against my own convictions regarding parenting and when his decision leaves us temporarily hanging in limbo. I. Hate. Limbo!
I am sooo thankful that I do not have to bear the responsibility though. It is so freeing to know that I don’t have to make decisions alone, that I have someone to turn to and lean on and be my strength and foundation.
And you’re right. A Christian marriage that is in harmony and obedience to God’s design is totally awesome!
You know, this is the first time I’ve visited your blog and WOW, you sure gave me a direct hit! God has been telling me to submit to my husband for awhile now, and because I do a great job (if I do say so myself – LOL) submitting to my husband in most areas I have been ignoring Him. But there is one glaring area I have not been submitting in – and I am quite grateful for your post for indirectly pointing it out to me.
So, don’t worry about stepping on toes – my toes needed the smush!! 🙂
Leighann I just found your blog today and have spent half the day trying to ‘catch up’ on Ryan and reading up on your blog… I am so happy to have found this thru MckMama! Your strength in faith and walk with Him is so inspiring to me. I have really been struggling in my walk since losing my mother very suddenly 6 months ago and I think He led me to you, MckMama, and the Williams Family Blog to show me the wonderful ways he works and takes care of us. Thank you so much for sharing your story.
To your post, this is something that really touches a nerve and speaks to me. I grew up in a house with a mother that was the epitamy of the submisive wife to the hardnosed, insulting, legalistic step father that made me the strong, independant, sometimes hard headed woman I am today. 🙂 I have been blessed with a kind, understanding, godly husband that has had to withstand being called a puppet by my stepfather (since my mother died) because he loves and cherishes me. Thank you for really making me think and study and realize what it really means to be submissive and that it’s not a power thing or a weak thing. And thank you for helping me see my mother in a new light and not as, I am ashamed to admit, the weak one I once judged her to be. Now to go read the part two. Your family is in my prayers. Have a blessed weekend.
The Biblical backup:
“Eph. 5:22 Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands, as unto the Lord.
Eph. 5:24 Therefore as the church is subject unto Christ, so let the wives be to their own husbands in every thing.
Eph. 5:33 Nevertheless let every one of you in particular so love his wife even as himself; and the wife see that she reverence her husband.
Col. 3:18 Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands, as it is fit in the Lord.
I Peter 3:1 (ESV) Likewise, wives, be subject to your own husbands, so that even if some do not obey the word, they may be won without a word by the conduct of their wives,”