I am feeling much better today than I did last week and weekend, but I wanted to post my thoughts from that time so you understand I am a real person too. 🙂
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Ryan quietly turned seven months over the weekend. It makes me sad to know he spent the day drugged, tied down, and vented. It makes me sad this has been his life the past two months straight. I look at other seven month olds – they are sitting up, laughing, and clapping their hands. Ryan doesn’t even know he can make noise other than crying.
It makes me sad to think it’s already been seven months and Ryan has been hospitalized for five of them. It makes me incredibly sad to know I only spend three hours a day with my child. Three hours… that kills me. I miss him. I want him.
Yes, there are things I am thankful for… like, Ryan is seven months old! And others too. But today is my day to be sad for the things we don’t have.
(c) 2016 Leighann Marquiss
Comments (24)
Awe Leighann! Thanks for sharing your thoughts, it makes me sad for you but you’re right you do have some positive things to look forward to like Ryan being 7 months old. Not only do I pray for Ryan, but I also pray for you, I can see that it’s hard for you but you’re so faithful in the Lord that He surprises you each day. “…A woman that feareth the Lord, she shall be praised.” – Proverbs 31:30 P.S. Ryan’s looking good! I’m seeing that his hair is lighting up to a red-ish color? Maybe a light blonde? 🙂 Take care!
Happy 7 month b-day little Ryan!!!!
xoxoxoxoxoxo
<3
Alyson
Happy 7 month birthday Ryan!! Leighann…you said it from the beginning, you are HUMAN. You have every right to be sad for the things you’re missing out on. 99.9% of the time you are strong and positive and an inspiration to those of us who read your blog. You are entitled to a day, a weekend, a full week to be a little “down”. Just know we are praying for you, for your strength and encouragement.
The little man is really looking good. What a difference the surgery has made in the way he looks! Before you know it, he will be doing those things he’s missed out on. Take heart, my dear, this too shall pass. And joy will come in the morning! 🙂
Blessings
Carol
Take time to be sad. It’s important!!! Otherwise, you will eventually just lose it. I am praying that you will feel God’s all surpassing peace, and I am praying for healing for Ryan. Sending lots of hugs,
Faith
Happy 7 months to little Ryan!
And **HUGS** to you! I can’t imagine how sad it would feel to see your precious baby in the hospital so much, sedated and ventilated. But he’s not missing out- you’ll still be there when he wakes up!
Leighann,
It makes me sad that you are sad. It makes me sad that life has to suck so bad sometimes. I’m glad that you shared what you’re feeling. I don’t think it’s unispirational to hear your heart. I think that this is part of the journey. The journey of life is not all mountaintops and beautiful views… it is also valleys and dark scary forests… actually a lot of the journey is spent in the valleys i think. I think that this is the most inspirational post of all because to realize how you are feeling and then to see how much you are able to give your children and husband and family in spite of it is amazing. It is the imperfection in us that allows us to connect with other people i think. So thank you for letting my imperfect self feel closer to you tonight.
It makes me happy that you are my sister. It makes me happy that Natalie and Ainsley are my nieces. It makes me happy that Ryan is my nephew. It makes me happy that Henry is my brother-in-law. (It also makes me happy that i’ve figured out how to see the word verification so i can post comments :))
I love you,
katie
Praying for the Lord’s peace to comfort you & hold you through this sadness; May He hold you close as you walk through.
You are very wise to let out your sad feelings and share them with us on this blog. It will keep you sane.
One day you WILL be on the other side of this looking back.
You have a wonderful support group, it seems, and all of us blog followers who faithfully visit and keep you in our prayers.
HAPPY, HAPPY SEVENTH MONTH BIRTHDAY TO YOU RYAN!!!!! We send you lots of kisses and all our love.
I remember being in the hospital with Eli and i would be sad, but I didn’t really let it out much… it was really strange because I felt like i needed to be strong for Eli and Jasper… and I was only there for 5 weeks…not like you, but I really crashed hard after I got home. It took several months to get back to normal. I think it is healthy for you to go through “mourning” stages and release all the emotions building up that you cannot let down due to life with your family. As I wrote in my email to you a while back, after I got back from the hospital and was super emotional… I am praying for you… for you, for you as well. HUgs and much love…
Oh Leighann! I’m sure on any given day we all stand amazed at how incredible you are able to juggle the craziness of life right now…..but as you have shown so many times…..you are not juggling alone….it is times like these that God must do all the juggling for you b/c you are just too tired and emotionally broken for Ryan….and for the girls….and for Henry….for NORMALCY! I’m proud of you for posting it when you feel it (b/c I know we feel at times that we need to be upbeat for our carepage followers when in fact they desire “realness”)!
I despise how hard “life” is at times…and the unfairness of it….that we are forced to make decisions for our children that seem unfathomable. Your mom encouraged me to read James 1 this weekend….after reading it many verses stuck out….this one the most….James 1:12 Blessed is the man (or woman) who perseveres under trial, b/c when he has stood the test, he will receive the crown of life that God has promised to those who love Him. Girl, you will have many stars in your crown….God’s glory has shown through you for the last year (and more I’m sure). We will keep lifting you and your family up in prayer!!!
you are always in my prayers 🙂 thanks for posting your feelings. I think you are a very strong woman and I also think you are doing a great job dealing with what God has placed on you and your family.
yes it is very sad. the poor little guy. I hope he gets to come home soon.
Happy 7 months boyfriend…..
and OH MY GOODNESS…He looks amazing. What an incredible job they did on the little guy.
So blessed….
As hard as it is…. still SO BLESSED!!!
Happy Birthday, Ryan!!
You are such an inspiration – even in your sadness.
Happy belated 7 month birthday Ryan!
Saw this thought of you guys…
I can’t imagine how it would be to pump instead of breastfeed for 7 months. Or to visit a sedated sick baby for 7 months, 3 hrs at a time. I would struggle and be sad. You are normal in that area but exceptional in how you handle life, your girls and Henry (hubby). I am in awe how you visit Ryan, blog, take girls to 2 different schools, play b-ball and have time to breathe in between all that. My faith has been made stronger by watching miracle after miracle in Ryan’s life. Ryan hasn’t sat up or clapped like other babies but, other babies have not touched the lives of so many like Ryan has.
Ryan is looking good. Cannot believe the difference! Love the hair color. Don’t blame you for wanting to cuddle and love on that baby.
love ya. praying for you and ryan always.
Tears for you sweet lady,…{{hugs}} and prayers! Keep on keepin’ on,..it will be worth it!
Ryan is worth it all. (:>)
“You are loved with an everlasting love,…and underneath are the everlasting arms”.
Elizabeth Elliott (Missionary/speaker) always said this and she also always said,…
“Just do the next thing!”
These sayings encouraged me so many times and helped me to go on through great trials and got me through…so I thought I would share them with you today.
Linda @ Truthful Tidbits
Happy 7 months to Ryan! And Leighann, what you go through in an average day — while managing to keep it all together — is nothing short of amazing. Of course you should let yourself feel sad, it’s all part of taking care of yourself so that you can care for those around you. As someone else wrote, you are truly inspirational, even in your sadness.
Hugs,
Elana
Happy 7 month Birthday, Ryan!
We pray for you all every day! Leighann, your strength amazes me everytime I read your blog! He is looking fantastic…I can’t believe how great his chest looks! Is his hair turning red?
Beeb! Wish I could be there to cry with you and comfort you just a little. Praying for you always. Amanda L.
(hugs)
I feel this side of your journey with you often. I imagine there are times when everything is flying by with such intensity you don’t have time to feel, and then when things slow down it comes like a ton of bricks. Just imagine how much MORE SPECIAL Ryan’s developmental milestones will be than if he hit them when all the other babies did!
Hang in there! God’s got you in His hand!
Leighann, I have read and re-read this post now, and it brought tears to my eyes each time. It makes me sad that little Ryan has had to endure all of this in his little life, but I feel it will make him even stronger (if that makes any sense.) He is such an amazing baby, and has a very loving and supportive family to grow up with! You are such a strong woman, Leighann! I really love how MotherGoose518 said that when Ryan meets his milestones, it will be even more special! My little Polly didn’t walk until she was 6 years old…and it was one of the best days of my life!! I couldn’t have been more proud! I smile when I think of the joy you will feel when Ryan takes his first steps! 🙂
Love and prayers for all of you!
Richelle
Ryan looks great! I think about you guys often, and you are continually in my prayers.
Blessings,
Leslie from Arkansas