It always surprises me when grief strikes. Tears flood my eyes and my heart aches as I hold a tiny baby in my arms. Not my tiny baby, someone else’s. Yet it’s my baby I grieve for. For all the times I wasn’t able to hold his snuggly body and have him sigh contentedly against the steady rhythm of my chest. For the weeks I watched him sleep from the effects of narcotics not from the sweetness of warm milk. These moments aren’t processed with words…. they come in without great fanfare, creeping across the recesses of my mind until they are front and center without me being aware they were coming. They go just as quietly… usually pretty quickly, too. In these brief moments I catch a glimpse of things my heart yearns to say if I would take the time to listen.
Comments (8)
i love you…and your heart!
You should write a book or something.
Bless your sweet mommy heart….I know you have many emotions and memories stored up…and with Ryan’s coming hospital admission, it is so normal for these kinds of feelings to be surfacing honey.
I just want you to know that my husband John and I will be praying for you,(as we always do), and of course for Ryan. We love that little guy.
Hold tight to the Lord…He will give you strength.
Love, Linda
I dont know if I have commented on your blog before but I check you just about every day. I love reading your life and I think we would be great friends if you didnt live in the east and I didnt live in the midwest 🙂 . All that to say…I have a special needs little boy (hes not so little anymore…14 to be exact but grief strikes me at odd times too and its oh so normal I think. We grieve what we lost in what we thought we would have had. And yet…we wouldnt want them different we just can feel sad for what was lost. I have 4 children. 14, 10, 9, and 8. Our 1st child came to us through special needs adoption and he has such struggles. I can still find myself caught in unawares over the grief I feel for him and what was lost and the grief at times I have of my own. I think your reflections are beautiful and honest and need to be heard. You fight the good fight with Ryan and I think sometimes people in the blog world could see you as supermom but really you are a “real” mom with real desires and it is sooo normal for you to feel sad for what you lost with Ryan. I think you have a beautiful heart and I thank you for sharing it.
Patti from Indiana.
Feeling robbed is how I put it, and I feel as though your feelings are so much more valid than mine. I was only “robbed” of those moments for 11 days.
You are one strong mamma, and because of that, you are raising one unbelievably strong little boy.
xoxo
Steph
http://theferriegirls.blogspot.com
All good and normal and painful and real and lovely and hard and…
like bridget said, I love you and your heart!
Leighann, your words brought tears to my eyes. Grief is a powerful force. Thanks for sharing your soul with us. Love ya, Tosha
our hearts are way deeper than we realize….