I had a lot of time to think on my trip. I read a book Sacred Marriage by Gary Thomas, Lives of the Three Mrs. Judsons by Arabella W. Stuart, and Prodigal God by Tim Keller.
Lives of the Three Mrs. Judsons was thought provoking as I read about these women who lived in the 1800s and were pioneers in being missionary wives. Adonirum Judson was one of the first protestant missionaries ever sent out from America. These women were incredibly virtuous, resourceful and fully leaning on God for their sustenance.
Prodigal God is an easy, short read, but with a lot of relevance. It is a study on the parable of the prodigal son looking at the role of the father and both his sons. A good read for those steeped in religious thought.
Sacred Marriage is a great book. I highly recommend it for those whose marriages are in a glitch. And for those whose marriages are good. Most of it I’ve heard before or come to the conclusion myself however it was written in a nice concise manner, easy to understand and easily digested.
In addition to reading these books, the trip gave me time to feel things I’m too busy to feel at home. I’m not even sure I understand what I feel sometimes (Henry will get a good chuckle at that!), but having time without having to think about pharmacies, therapies, medicines, and scheduled feedings gave me time to feel. Think is too strong a word. It isn’t that I’m too busy at home to think… I do plenty of thinking. It’s that I’m too busy to feel what we are going through. Yes, there were times when Ryan lived at the hospital that I felt… felt a lot… and hurt… and was overwhelmed. But there was never a time, and I’m certain has not yet been a time, when I have felt the liberty to drop everything and feel everything.
I feel like I’m thinking in circles and not really delving into anything. And perhaps that is the crux of the issue. It hasn’t been until recently that I’ve started mourning the fact that I did not have a healthy baby. And when I say that I mean mourning not being able to hold him and rock him and just be with him like other mothers are with their babies.
When he was a baby, I was too busy running back and forth and trying to keep everyone stable to stop and cry over a split chest. Now I hold babies or think about burping them (of all things) and it hits me that we missed A LOT. Neither of us has grieved properly. Henry has been busy being strong for me and I’ve been busy being strong for him and the kids.
I felt the vague pangs of this on my plane ride home. Not enough to actually process much. I’m guessing I’ll have time to truly grieve about the time everyone heads off to college!
Comments (7)
I am a heart mom. Since he was our first child, I had the time to grieve what I considered to be his “normal” life from his first days. I felt selfish for feeling the need to grieve and I thought I was the only one. And while I still grieve over some things, I can’t imagine life without his “normal”! Thank you for sharing these hard things.
Hello. A friend came across your blog and saw your son is diagnosed with Pentalogy of Cantrell, as is my son whom was born in July. We’ve been home for 2 weeks now and adjusting to life without hospital support. I began to explore Ryan’s portion of the blog, but have questions. Forgive me if I didn’t notice a posted e-mail address, but I’d like to e-mail you if that is OK. Mine is eaweidner@hotmail.com.
Thanks so much.
By the way, he’s a doll!
Oh, Leighann, my heart aches for you. My 2 girls weren’t nearly as sick as Ryan, but both were born premature. The youngest very premature. She spent over 2 months in the hospital, many dr. and specialists visits after leaving the hospital and still to this day, I worry a lot about her. Again, nothing like what you went though and are going through with Ryan. Even now(and they are 14 and 8), if I am watching “A baby story” or some show similar and see the baby come out all pink and healthy and laid on the momma’s chest after birth, I get all teary. That was not my experience. I wasn’t the first one to hold, feed, change etc… either one of them. You need time to grieve the baby that Ryan didn’t turn out to be, but then rejoice in the special boy he is. The special boy who has probably taught you more about yourself than anybody else in your life. Through his growing and making such large strides in areas where I am sure doctor’s warned you might never see, you are slowly patching up the part of you that aches for the lost “normal baby time” you didn’t have with him. You are doing a fanastic job at being a wonderful wife, mom, daughter,sister and aunt.
we moms don’t have much time for “feel” do we??
I understand where you are coming from. When I was 25, 9 months pregnant with my last child, I was diagonsed with breast cancer. I did have a healthy baby boy, but I missed out on a lot. I was so busy keeping myself alive, I missed out on the whole newborn phase. My son is now 5 and I make up for it everyday. Hugs,
Meri
mericobb@gmail.com
Praying for you that God will meet your every need and you will grieve and heal. He is the Comforter and Healer. Take time to do it and it will reap benefits untold. I think grieving happens in bits and pieces. Let it out and you will be more whole. Sending lots of love and prayers.
What an honest and important post! All moms of kids requiring special care as infants (or anytime in life, really!) should read this post. I am glad you are finding time to allow yourself to grieve. Having a medically complex child is a loss…but as you (and many commenters have noted) know, it also comes with so many unexpected joys! You’re a wonderful Mom Leighann!