Sitting on the bed in the basement guest room, I let the tears silently fall down my cheeks. I’m not exactly sure why I’m crying but I know it has something to do with me saying “no” to my daughter who suggested she take me on a tour of our home while sharing her ideas on how to redecorate every room. I knew telling her “no” would hurt her feelings. I feel like a failure-of-a-mom who’s too busy putting away Christmas decorations to spend quality time instilling confidence in her 8-year-old daughter.
This isn’t the full reason the tears started. I felt them coming after the encounter with Natalie, and allow myself a few minutes to cry, but know they’re gushing up from deeper within. I laugh a little as I think of the many times Ainsley has burst into tears only to answer “I don’t know” when we ask her why she’s crying.
It’s the second time today I recognize she and I are cut from the same cloth.
The first was standing at the Girl Scout Cookie rally with more than 200 scouts being ushered around stations educating and inspiring these little business-women in the making. Ainsley would not let go of my legs. When she was in front of me she’d wrap her arms backwards around me and when she was behind she wrap them around to my front. Although I kept untangling myself, I couldn’t get the little monkey off me for very long. I finally bent down and asked her why she was clinging to me even though she seemed to be having a good time. For the love of Pete, she’s 6 years old! Her answer: “Because I love you.”
It wasn’t until about 10 minutes later I realized she wanted reassurance even if she didn’t know why. I find myself internally dropping my jaw to the floor as I become conscious of the fact I’m the EXACT SAME WAY! When Henry and I go to a big event, my inclination is to hold onto his elbow as if we’ve been superglued together. Not that I can’t spend time apart from him or start an adult conversation on my own (I can, for real, I really can), it’s that large crowds of people make me uncomfortable to my core. I can’t recall any crowd-trauma as a child. I don’t remember losing my parents. No one tried to abduct me. I wasn’t left behind on accident (that was my sister). I just automatically get anxious when I walk into a room of people I don’t know. Now, here I am, one big mirror of my 6-year-old, crying from pent up frustration and the feeling of being used up.
Being a mom is hard. We’re expected to nourish our children’s hearts, souls, and bellies, AND teach them to be responsible adults. Instead of feeling like an inspiration, I end up feeling like one big nag and critic. In that moment of solitude it dawns on me that one of our jobs as parents is not only accepting our children for who they’re wired to be (…. an introvert, an extrovert, a scientist, an artist and everything in between) but also accepting ourselves. The sooner we do this, the sooner we can parent from a perspective of grace and compassion. Even if my kids end up with my same weaknesses (because isn’t that half of what we’re trying to parent out of our kids?), I have a feeling they’ll be better off in the long run.
Comments (4)
Your feelings are exactly what I feel right now with our 3 year old! My husband just read screamfree parenting and everything in your last paragraph is what this book spells out to let our kids be who they are to be and we help them but they are the ones responsible for the outcome of things by their choices. Its very hard being a Mom and not to yell or say no and take the time to enjoy our children and just let our kids be kids. I too sometimes just start crying for no reason, I feel like a failure or I can’t keep up with it all, when I know thats not the case but it can feel overwhelming at times.I am a work in progress and your blog is wonderful. You seem like such a great loving Mom and I always take away great advice or just like to read your updates which sometimes make me feel normal with all I go through every day, trying to be a wife, Mom, full time worker and keep my home in tact.I need to be less stressed and more in touch and take in all the moments as life goes by so very fast. Thanks for writing and sharing like you do. Barbara
loved your “crying” post 🙂 i was dying to read it!
i also love the point at the end. about accepting ourselves. i feel like i’m FINALLY doing this and it DOES help me to be a better mom…and, if not, “better”…to just BE their mom instead of a loonytoon!
I have definitely found that the aspects of my child’s personality I am struggling with the most at any one time is almost always a weakness in my personality that I am not comfortable with. It becomes more pronounced as they are older, but at least I know what that annoyance is.
We’re Girls…Moms, Grandmas…and sometimes we cry! I still do it at age 62! Sometimes we girls know why we cry..and sometimes we don’t! (:>) We are “Emotional Creatures!”
I get shy and uncomfortable in crowds..and I cling to my hubby. He’s real out-going…and has no trouble being around people he doesn’t know. I guess opposites attract, because it is just way out of my comfort zone! (:>)
We all have our moments! So glad God understands our frailties…and our weaknesses…and remembers that we are “but dust”. We all need to stop and consider that we all have strengths and weaknesses. (:>) And we shouldn’t be too hard on ourselves…or on each other! (:>)
Love, Linda