I sat there trying to love my kids… like really love them. Since arriving at the soccer field approximately 40 minutes earlier I had breastfed a baby in the car, stood outside a port o’john waiting for a little boy to poop, held an infant in the front carrier while taking a tinkle, watched a few minutes of my 9 year-old’s game, escorted the 7 yr old, 5 yr old, and infant (still in the carrier) back to the car since it was starting to rain, and then sat and listened to the 7 yr old complain and complain that she wasn’t allowed to go to build-a-bear that afternoon because we “never” go to build-a-bear.
I texted my friend with 6 kids who are involved in sports… “Do you ever see more than 5 minutes of anyone’s game?” Tell me I’m not alone in this!! Tell me I will make it through. She did, of course. All the while encouraging me to keep on keeping on. She knew exactly what I was feeling, “I know you feel so trapped. And like a sweaty crazy mess of a mom. But all you’re doing will pay off!!”
I also have been wondering “WHY?” a lot lately. Like WHY do I try to take all the kids to the dentist at the same time, or to a soccer game, or to someone’s orchestra concert, or really anywhere that I’m expected to see one of them doing something. Because I mostly just herd cats the entire time hoping we aren’t disturbing the other families.
So I struggle. Because while it sounds like I hate being mother to my children, I don’t.
This I know to be true – –
I want to run away from my family almost every day and in the same vein want to hold them so tight that they’ll never be able to graduate high school and leave me for college. I’m having this internal unrest at the exact moment I’m having moments every day where I look at one of my four children and fall utterly head over heels in love with them again… seeing them… really seeing them and knowing they are the sweetest things to walk the face of the earth. It’s happening more than it’s ever happened before. It’s the strangest feeling ever… I feel bi-polar.
I’m sleep-deprived. I’m hormonal. I get this. But it’s more than that…. and that’s what I’m having a hard time sorting out.
I think I’m grieving. Grieving the idea that I was on the cusp of having one more year until I graduated to having all my kids in school. Graduated to possibly sitting at the pool and relaxing while eyeing the kids every once in a while. Enjoying the quiet afternoons when ALL the kids are out playing while I’m making dinner.
Down deep in my soul I want to do something other than be a mother every moment of every day. I want to do things other than clean up after children, feed hungry babies and do the washing. I want to accomplish something… anything… that doesn’t affect another person on such a deep level that I could ruin them with one wrong move. It all feels so heavy.
I’d also like to go one day without someone else’s spit on my clothes. My spit is fine, but for the love of Pete, can everyone else keep their saliva to themselves?!
The simple solution is to get a job, outside of the house, and put my kids in daycare. However the control-freak in me cannot give up being home with my children. It’s not in me.
And there’s the struggle. It’s with myself. We all know which one of me is going to win. She wisely tells me that I’m a lot like that 7 yr. old having a tantrum about not being able to go to build-a-bear. She reminds me that children are a blessing… a gift… and that looking a gift-horse in the mouth is wrong. Plain and simple. She tells me these kids will be out of here in a blink of an eye and then I’ll be wondering what I’m doing with my life with no one to pour into. I know, I know. I’m getting there. Slowly but surely I’m getting there.
Meanwhile, I’m going to go change my shirt. I think I just found another spot of spit-up.
Comments (5)
I often have the same feelings as a mom; glad I am not alone in my thoughts. My boys are 9yrs and 2yrs so it is a similar situation where life was getting “easier” then surprise! back to naps and watchful eyes. Thanks you for being so honest in what you share. Know you are not alone! 🙂
Like you, I despaired of ever having a free moment to think a single thought without it getting interrupted by someone else, do something for myself that didn’t involve thinking how that would effect my husband and kids, worry if my parenting would be enough to set my girls on the right course in life, and on and on. My oldest daughter is graduating high school in a few weeks and going to college in August. Even though at times I haven’t understood her as completely as I would have liked, we haven’t had that many disagreements through the span of her 18 years. I have worried recently about her only remembering the arguments and the times where we didn’t see eye to eye. When she left for college, would she think, I miss home and my family? Or good riddance, life is so much better now? This past weekend, she gave me my birthday present early (necklace and ear rings) since she would be on her senior trip this week. Yesterday, not only did she call me (for those who don’t have a teenager, this is HUGE… kids just don’t use the phone for calling purposes) while on her trip, she also ordered chocolate covered strawberries to be sent to the house with a sweet note attached. All with her own money. It made me cry. Not because she bought me things, but she had to pre plan it all out and it was thoughtful. My husband has told me for years that my thank you will come when the kids are grown and realize just how much work and thought I put in to raising them. You are doing a great job. Your thank you will also come in time. Thank you for being so honest in your writing. It has been a blessing for me to read about your life and lessons you have learned along the way. Keep up the good work.
I have no idea how you have the time to do all you do and yet you are such a great wife, mom and writer. I spent last weekend reading your book – I was saving it for beach reading but it rained. What a wonderful story of faith, love, endurance – times I laughed and times I cried even though I knew he would win. You need to keep on sharing your words with the world – you are making a difference
I know…I so know. Remember we went from a 10 and 8 year old to a newborn in 2011. Then 20 months later our surprise was born…so added another newborn. Both older kids play travel sports and league sports. I work part time as well. My husband and I often look at eachother say, “What were we thinking?” The older kids were self sufficient and life was EASY. Or even now that the first newborn is 3.5. He is now easy to eat out with (for the most part) or grocery shop…only to have the baby who is starting her terrible two’s. Who doesn’t want to sit in a highchair or grocery cart. I often found myself staring at the neighbors house with the windows all dark cause they were all sleeping through the night and I NEVER got to sleep through the night. (thankfully I do now after some work) Or geez we really can’t afford that cause are gorcery bill is outrageous, remember we have 4 kids!! I hate saying that kind of stuff cause then I feel guilty. And I want to ask the Lord to forgive me cause I sound sooo ungrateful. Because really I couldn’t imagine life w/o the babies. I LOVE all my kids so much. So then I feel bad for feeling the way I do sometimes cause I really don’t mean it? Right?! I just hope the Lord understands my craziness!
i love you. i get it (oh, you know i do!)
i got some GREAT perspective this morning though…an older friend was saying how she wanted to take her fmaily to a strawberry festival this weekend…but realized her kids are all so old that none of them would WANT to go, if they even could! (they are high school and older.) we need to enjoy these days!