I write in my book about how the love I have for Ryan is different than the love I have for the girls. I admit that mostly there are feelings of relief instead of joy. I wrote this while he was in the hospital and we were struggling with keeping our heads above water. While it is clear that I would do anything for my son, I think it’s also clear that his first few years were completely overwhelming and utterly exhausting.
I wrote with transparency knowing that some who read it will judge me harshly. Some will suggest that having those things in writing may haunt Ryan later should he read my story. I chose to write it though hoping that I’m not the only one out there, that perhaps there are other mothers of medically fragile children who feel guilty they don’t have the same light-hearted love they had for their healthy children. I went out on a limb.
Perhaps other special needs moms don’t feel this way. Maybe I’m the only one. If that’s the case, maybe I will feel guilty! But I’m here today to clear the record that I am falling in love with my son all over again. For the first time, we’ve had a 12-month period void of hospitalizations and procedures. You may remember that last school year he was hospitalized three times, once including a three-week stay after his open-heart surgery.
We’ve enjoyed this large stretch where he’s been able to grow and learn uninhibited. I find myself smiling at his mischief and being in awe as he taps his foot to the beat of his favorite song. I laugh at the funny things he comes up with every day. He’s taken to listing things out while counting in the air on his fingers. For example, “we have eggs, cheerios, toast, cheerios…” Or, “we can watch a movie, play on the computer, get Cannyland (Candy Land), play outside…” I laugh when he makes these list because I have no idea where he get this!
I realize more and more the things I say repeatedly as he mirrors me daily. When the girls leave for school he says, “I love you. Have nice day!” And when they come in the door in the afternoon he says, “How was your school a-day?” And when sitting down at a restaurant he turns to his father and says, “What you want to eat, daddy?”
I’m finally feeling that light-hearted love I so longed for over the last several years and it feels good.
Comments (10)
I’ve been following your blog after my daughter sent it to me, but I’ve never commented before. I just wanted you to know I bought your book and couldn’t put it down. Luckily I’m retired now, LOL. Even though I knew Ryan’s story from this blog, I really enjoyed your book. My only negative comment was I wish it had been longer. You’re a wonderful mom and I don’t know how you do it.
I think some people won’t understand, that’s a given, and you will be judged. But I think most people will understand, even if they can’t relate. People put too much pressure on moms to fall in love with their medically typical children right away, in my opinion, acting as if there is something wrong with a mother if she doesn’t instant bond with her baby upon its birth. Ryan was whisked away from you and you had to bond through wires and sedation. Send anyone who wants give you guff and I will Lincoln-Douglas them until they send you flowers and a note of apology.
You are an awesome mom and have nothing to feel guilty about. I am looking forward to reading your book. You obviously have not read Kelle Hampton’s blog or book Bloom where she tells the birth of Nella. Perhaps you will see where you have no need to feel any guilt. And in the grand scheme of things, when you put your life out there, someone isn’t going to like it. I enjoy your blog very much. Becky
http://www.kellehampton.com/
Your book is on its way to me, and I will read it in a few weeks. I am also a mom to a child with a heart defect, and I do know how hard and exhausting those first years were. My son with the special heart was my first child, and it was a long time before I felt true joy at being his mom – I loved him, but it was HAARD work being his mom. Imagine my surprise at the quick sense of joy and love for my healthy daughter – I had no worries about her life, no thoughts about monitoring every little sniffle or cough, no wondering/worrying about her health or her heart. Unless someone has walked in your shoes, they will never understand. Ryan is a much loved little boy, and your family is blessed in many ways!!!
I have been following the blog for a few years now (around the time of the Glenn procedure) and got and read the book in 2 nights. It was fantastic. I appreciated the candidness and the ability to extrapolate that every parent loves every child differently. It was very well written, though I found myself craving more! Perhaps there will be an update in a few more years 🙂 No judgement here, some awe, and definitely appreciation of your thoughts and feelings. I definitely took your writing from the perspective of what you were feeling and processing at that moment, not 3 years removed.
praise God for that love that is blooming in you! it is from Him. no guilt, just praise!!
He is adorable!
I received my Book today I have read your Blog for along time. But you have done a wonderful job of letting us in some very special moments in your book I love your writing….Back to the book! Thank you Leighann for sharing… And your love it is what it is unconditional and loyal for all your children they are lucky to have you as there Mother. Jean
Just got my copy today! It was in the mailbox waiting for me to get home from Lynnette’s this weekend. I can’t wait to read it Leighann. You know I love you and Ryan…and I have followed your blog from the time he was born. Many, many prayers have been prayed for you along this journey with Ryan!
I know I will love the book. I pray it will help others who are in serious situations…and help them to find hope.
Love, Linda
I don’t remember how I found your blog, but I’ve been following it for awhile. I’ve always appreciated how honest you are. I think that sometimes we (mothers) get caught up in how we are supposed to feel, and then feel guilty about what we are really feeling. When I was a new mom to a preemie (healthy though) I remember feeling so exhausting and thinking to myself “why, oh why…” Of course I loved my son, but sometimes the day-to-day job of being a mom is overwhelming. In your case, Ryan’s needs were so great, you didn’t have the time to just be a “regular” mom. Now that he has been healthy for a good stretch, you’ve had more time to do “regular” things with him and see the day-to-day joys that come with have a little one. I think we should all be more supportive to other moms – I hope you don’t get negative emails from your book. You did the best you could, you loved your son, but you are human! I think Ryan is lucky to have you as a mom – it’s no mistake that God chose you. On another note, he is a cutie – I love those big grins he does 🙂