I’ve noticed lately that I’m not being consistent with the kids. I’m not enforcing rules and I’m letting things slide when they don’t obey the first time or sometimes at all…. it’s not good. It’s leading to disrespectful behavior. With summer coming up, it’s time to crack down. There’s going to be A LOT OF FUN stuff this summer but it won’t be fun if I’m constantly repeating myself and everyday chores aren’t getting done.
We told the kids the other night at dinner that we’re going to say what we mean and mean what we say. I’m learning to pause before answering because part of consistency is sticking to your guns when you say “no.” I obviously haven’t been doing this well since my kids are having a hard time taking “no” for an answer. They sure do know the meaning of persistence! But no more…. “no” means “no.” (how many times can I say no/know in a paragraph?)
I’m also trying to come up with consequences that fit the crime AND focus on improved behavior, not just time outs or losing electronics (although electronics will be used as a big motivator this summer).
Last Tuesday the kids and I all piled into the car after their dental appointments. I spied a lost key lying in the parking lot. I ran it in the building really quickly and in the 30 seconds it took me to do so I came back out to a sobbing Ainsley and a very angry Natalie. They’d gotten into an argument (that started over if there were big girl stickers or little girl stickers in their goody bags… really? really?) Turns out Natalie felt Ainsley said some harsh things and finally hauled off and slapped her sister. Definitely not acceptable.
I was so upset at her behavior I didn’t know what to do. I told her to think about a consequence on the way home. She did. She decided she should have to apologize.
Um, yeah, although a good start not gonna cut it when you physically assaulted your sister.
I thought of a better one. Ainsley LOVES to be rubbed…. always has and probably always will. Perfecto! A light-bulb went off for me. I told Natalie she had to rub her sister for five minutes to practice using her hands in a loving way instead of in a violent way. She gasped, and fumed, and stormed about it, until she realized I meant what I said.
For Ainsley’s part in the matter, I explained that harsh words stir up anger but a soft answer turns away wrath. (Proverbs 15:1) I explained she had to own up to her part in saying something so hurtful that her sister was overwhelmed enough to slap her. Her consequence was writing out a paraphrase of Proverbs 15:1 for her benefit and practice using nice words by writing Natalie a letter of what she likes about her for Natalie’s benefit. She wasn’t sure about her consequence either but ended up enjoying coming up with an acronym for her sister’s name. (natalie told her she couldn’t use “likes to laugh” because it’s more than one word… I love what she came up with)
Honestly, thinking of the consequences was exhausting. It’s so much easier just to ground them from electronics, or playdates, or whatever, but it seems they felt better after completing their tasks. What kind of consequences do you use in your house?
Comments (5)
I like that. My girls can be so mean to each other and I am searching for a way to defuse and nip this now while we can. I think this will work out great.
I, too, like to have consequences that “fit the crime” because it’s a better learning experience. One time I made my son write 10 times, “I will respect my sister’s toys and belongings” – I was trying to get the positive message into his brain, and he likes to write and be by himself, so this was a good strategy. He hated it, but he got the message. Electronics and screen time are also big motivators – e.g. chores must be completed before they can use electronics, or they must spend a certain amount of time outside getting exercise before they can use electronics. I love the use of scripture, too. Great job!!!
I love your punishment for the girls squabble. Do your kids get an allowance? When ours were young they didn’t get an allowance but I had a job list and they got a sticker for each job done. Then at the end of the week they got a quarter for each sticker. Also I bought some treasures at the dollar store and put them in small gift bags. Each day I would check their room at exactly 10 am and if their room was clean they got a sticker, if at the end of the week they had 6 stickers they could choose a gift bag. My middle son is now 29 lives on his own and his house is a disaster!! He was the one with the perfect room each and every week. SO I’m not promising it works long term but it helped me keep my sanity. After a few weeks of siblings getting gift bags and the others not will smarten them up!! 🙂
I can’t get past laughitive!!
I loved to read when I was little (still do!!!). When I would get in trouble (usually for annoying my little brother) my punishment was always that I was NOT allowed to read before bedtime! After the first or second time – all my Mom had to do was threaten me with no books that night, and I would behave! My Mom always said it was the perfect punishment for me. It didn’t effect anybody else (ie not being able to play at a friends house), and it was something that I truly cared about!