I’m going to be honest, I’m bummed. I spent the last few days processing, but I’m still disappointed. Ryan was supposed to be out of the hospital last weekend and here we are a week later without a discharge date.
I was so spoiled the last two months being a ‘normal’ family. It was easy to forget how fragile Ryan really is and the last two weeks are a sort of wake-up call.
I think what really got me was Thursday when I finally uninstalled his car seat (to give Natalie more elbow room) and brought his feeding pump inside. I had left these items in the car so I would be ready at a moment’s notice to bring my boy home.
Instead, now I will need notice. But, who am I kidding? There will always be notice. We talk over the plan everyday and now it’s looking like Ryan will be ‘in house’ for at least another week.
I understand the need to be cautious. In fact, I rest easier knowing Ryan is being observed throughout these first few weeks with his new tissue expanders. The plastic surgeon doesn’t think it is the expanders causing the respiratory issues, but we have no other change to blame it on. Ryan is still satting low. (can I verb that word?) He is getting the tiniest amount of supplemental oxygen, a whiff really, but it seems to help.
So, I am back to choosing between doing fun family stuff, or sitting in a hospital room with my son. It’s very hard to not feel guilty doing either. I want to be a part of the girls having fun, and I want Ryan to feel a part of our family. Seriously, I want to eat my cake and have it too.
I’m trying to keep perspective; trying to be grateful for all we’ve come through. The fact that Ryan is alive at all should have me jumping up and down for joy. And it does. It’s just hard getting through these first steps in making him stable.
(c) 2016 Leighann Marquiss
Comments (18)
*big hugs*
Chin up, girl…I’m sorry you are feeling bummed. I can understand how you are torn between home and the hospital. I’ll keep you, as always, in my prayers! Love ya!!
Richelle
Oh…I checked in this morning – JUST SURE everyone would be at home together again! And I was even bummed…so I can only imagine how torn you are! Certainly we don’t understand God’s timing but I’m praying for His patience and rest for you guys as you wait!
Sorry you are having a down day! (
(BIG HUGS) and prayers are coming your way for your whole family
Thank God that ryan is alive and in good, competent, hands. The Lord knows his every need, and his every day was written before he was even born (yours too!). Much love from Saint Augustine!! amy
PS> EVERYONE GO VOTE!!! (smile)
I want some of your “cake” too. We will have it in due time. This cake is like that Amish Cinamon bread that we make. It is a process that is worth the waiting. So clean the kitchen and get the place ready for a party and let the Lord do the rest…..I love ya…mom
I want some of your “cake” too. We will have it in due time. This cake is like that Amish Cinamon bread that we make. It is a process that is worth the waiting. So clean the kitchen and get the place ready for a party and let the Lord do the rest…..I love ya…mom
Understandably, you are torn and tired. Just think how much more difficult it would be in Ryan was receiving the same level of care Henry received a couple of weeks ago. At least if you choose to spend time with the girls, you don’t have to worry that someone will forget to feed, change, birp, love or hug your big boy. Keep on smiling… You’re my hero and I need your inspiration. (She says rather selfishly.)
Praying!
Something I try and remember…none of us remember a thing that happened to us when we were one, or even two years old…much less younger than that. Don’t feel that huge guilt when enjoying the girls. Ryan won’t remember any of it…only that when he was with you he was loved. That’s all he needs.
I prayed for Ryan today, and for his mama too. I know it is so hard for you to be torn between being at the hospital or at home with the other kids. Hopefully he will be able to come home soon.
I will keep praying.
Take care!
Linda @ Truthful Tidbits
Leighann,
Just want you to know I just prayed for you that God would put his arms around you and hold Ryan in his hands. I can’t imagine the pull, but you are so strong. Just keep putting one foot in front of the other and you will get through. I know of so many people praying for you and your family. Pray is a powerful thing. I love you. I hope you are able to get a good nights sleep tonight. Amanda
Prayers for you and your family! All your children are so lucky to have such an AMAZING mommy!
So sorry that things are down right now. Sometimes even though we have alot to be thankful for it doesn’t make the things we are going through any easier to bare. I will be thinking about you and praying for you that the Lord will give you special grace and wisdom right now. And that Ryan will be strong enough to come home soon!
We’re praying Ryan will soon be able to breath without supplemental O2. Praying you will soon find a balance between time with Ryan and time with Natalie and Ainsley.
-Brent and Julie
Sorry girl, I can’t begin to imagine, I’ve never had a kid in the hospital more than a few hours. I’m praying for you that you find the right balancing act and have peace about it! And praying for Ryan that his sats go up and stay up and for everything else he needs!
Leighann,
i am so sorry. I hate gearing this for you. The struggle must be awful and yet you are trying to rejoice over just having your boy alive! The Lord know these deep thoughts of your heart and he completely understands them even when you do not. He is with you and he will continue to give you the strength to choose and make wise decisions for Ryan and your family. Love you much!
I was able to put Ryan on 2 more church’s prayer lists. You have done an amazing job juggling all life has given you. Love, Prayers & see you soon, Marmi Marquiss