It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, it was the age of wisdom, it was the age of foolishness, it was the epoch of belief, it was the epoch of incredulity, it was the season of Light, it was the season of Darkness, it was the spring of hope, it was the winter of despair, we had everything before us, we had nothing before us… Charles Dickens, A Tale of Two Cities
This summer has been such a complex contradiction. In some ways so laid back… less traveling, less visitors, fewer expectations, more help (thanks to a local college girl!). In others ways… so difficult. I turn 37 at the end of this week. I’ve learned more about myself in the last 6 months than I ever have. Things that caught me off guard and have me reeling a little. You can only spend so much time sweeping things (in my case, emotions – and even more specifically, anger) under the rug before one day you simply trip on them.
I’m flat on my face.
I’m dealing with things – big things – things that should’ve been dealt with long ago. Long before children, long before marriage. And because I haven’t, they affect both. I’m starting there and working my way forward. Not sure how pretty this is going to be.
I’m also not sure how much is appropriate for this space, but it started in the spring when the Lord graciously showed me the fear I was living with. I thought only my daughter dealt with fear and anxiety. Ha! Nothing like having a human mirror to finally show you your reflection. While our fears are different, we both live with it.
With the realization of fear and the determination to cast it off, I uncovered a mess – one that needs cleaned up. After recovering from my post-partum Dr. Jekyll and Mrs. Hyde personality, I had about a month of bliss, before having split personalities again. Happiness and practicalness floating on the surface, with depths of grief and anger lying just underneath.
Some of that is because the distraction of four children will put a damper on any emotion other than the will to survive… I get that. The three oldest spent some time at their grandparents’ a few weeks ago and I had plans for cleaning, organizing, writing and reading. Instead I spent several days staring at the walls. But they are back and the minutiae of every day has taken over. I’m a little afraid of the return of school – it will be quieter and I’ll have more time to think. I’m also looking forward to it a little though – as I have swept things under the rug for far to long. It is time. My hope is this time next year I’ll be in completely better spot – a healthier place – where I can stop being happy for everyone else and be happy for me. Until then, I ask for your grace, your understanding, and your friendship.
((((Hugs))) Leighann, If I lived closer I’d take you out for coffee. Many times 🙂
I can relate to what you’re saying. Sometimes, I think I’ve forgiven, shoot..I believe I HAVE forgiven and yet there are times when certain names-certain memories hit me square in the face and unbelievable rage knocks me flat. And that usually comes out of the blue when I’m least expecting it. And yet, God is there. He knows. He KNOWS. HE KNOWS. He knows the reasons why I feel the way I do. He reminds me to trust His heart.
I feel like I’m sailing in the same boat as you…I wish you well on your journey…
Big hugs to you. You’ll get through whatever is haunting you. I have faith in you. Staring at walls for a few days is not such a bad thing. Gives you time to just be. It’s especially hard for those of us who are task oriented and want to have accomplishments (small or large) happen on a daily basis, but it is a good thing to have that time to recharge. You are recognizing that there is a problem and being honest with yourself, and that is a huge step in overcoming the hurdles. (“Honesty is the first chapter in the book of wisdom”–Thomas Jefferson) And you are wise, Leighann, very wise.
Leighann, Keeping you in my thoughts and prayers as you get through this difficult time. ((HUGS))
We don’t know each other other than my reading your blog. I so appreciate your openness and honesty with your feelings. I will be praying for you to find the peace and strength you need to deal with this. If I can be of any help, please let me know. Hugs to you as a fellow heart mom and sister in Christ.
Know that you will come out on the other side A ok ~ You have taken your first step – or as you said – your first tumble. I wish I was closer and could have coffee with you – but I will do exactly what you asked – friendship, grace, and understanding and will also pray for you and your family. You have my email and if there is anything at all that I can do for you, please reach out. As I have been following your web sight for years and read your books, it is obvious that you are a fine young lady, an exceptional wife, an outstanding mother as confirmed by not what you say but by the actions of your children. Above all things, remember that you are special AND that you are loved. Becky in NC
Praying for you. Been there friend.
I am so with you, sister! Praying peace that passes all understanding over you as you walk directly into your fear and grief and punch it in the face 🙂
I get it, I soooo get it. In the same boat. Has my husband been right all these years about me? Am I the one who needs to face reality? Our lives are hard right now. ( I have 4 kids too. 14,11,3 and 22 months) I feel so horrible when I find myself longing for free time, or to have a conversation with my hubby w/o being interrupted, to have a date, a clean house, etc. It is a season in our lives. Thank you so much for sharing. It always helps to know I’m not alone!