Summer turns to fall.

October 2, 2015/Confessions

It’s feeling more and more like fall every day here in the ‘Burgh. I absolutely LOVE the crispness in the air and the beautiful, chilly nights. Several weekends ago we took advantage of the sunny weather (it was still hot!) and went apple picking.


Being out in nature is so good for the soul. I could’ve spent more time in the orchard, but with 12 hands picking, our apple bags were full in no time.


I’m finally seeing cracks of joy here and there as I continue trying to process all these feelings that have plagued me since Ryan and my return in early August. I’m a pull-yourself-up-by-your-bootstraps kind of girl and this is the second or third time in my life I’ve gone through something that has left me flat on my back with no hope of reaching my bootstraps, let alone pulling myself up.


The dull “toothache” feeling of depression that never seems to go away no matter how much fun you try to have, or no matter how hard you try to be happy. Anyone feel me?


Finally, at this change of September into October, as the leaves fall from the trees and the harvest is ripe on the vines… tomatoes hanging on til the last few warm sunny days are over… I’ve woken up three days in a row where I feel good. Like for real good. Not the kind where suddenly I find myself irritable or sad for some silly reason or no reason at all.


I’ve come from days where there are glimpses of joy are quickly swallowed by sadness to these past couple days where it’s the opposite. Genuinely good with short bursts of sadness – quickly replaced by good again.


I’m learning to lean in to the times where my heart is fighting my head to get the attention it so desperately deserves. Even when I don’t understand exactly what it needs or wants… I’ve taken several afternoons to sit and cry and pray and say to God, “I have no idea….” To allow my thoughts to wander. To admit to myself that life can be hard, that it is many times…


It’s funny because while in-house with Ryan in July I came up with a new tag line for my blog (yet to be rolled out). “Embracing Hard”   I feel it embodies everything I’ve lived in the last 38 years. I learned the lesson first hand again this fall. I can’t wait to share more with you about it… the idea behind embracing the difficult things in our lives and flourishing no matter our circumstances. Because I believe we all have hard… have difficulty that once cleared up is replaced by something else. Maybe not right away, but eventually. And I believe leaning into this difficulty and sharing it with friends makes the hard a little easier.

I look forward to living this motto outloud with you guys in the weeks and months to come.

Comments (7)

  • Johanna davis / October 2, 2015 / Reply

    Been thinking about you lately. Thanksgiving cannot come fast enough!! Piper doesnt even look like the baby I kept in July. Glad you are starting to feel better. Love you.

  • Linda Hogeland / October 2, 2015 / Reply

    Leighann…you are so right! We get through one thing and before too long we face another! That is so true for so many of us. Sometimes when I feel really good, and it seems like there is nothing to worry about…it robs my joy because I know that it can’t stay that way for long! BUT Jesus is our source and we know from experience that He can get us through anything…even life and death situations! No he doesn’t always spare us from suffering, but during it we have found peace, and hope again as we lean on Him.
    John and I will continue to pray for you, for Ryan, and for Henry and the rest of the family. You have been through a lot, learned a lot, and gotten stronger. You have so much to share with others…so much to give from all you have been through. I always want to glorify God and let people know that no matter what I know He will never leave us nor forsake us. The closet times I have ever felt to God were in terrible situations…and He has comforted me and our family at times when we felt like we couldn’t go on.
    He has a purpose and a plan for all that He allows. Jeremiah 29:11
    Love you lots! (You look so cute in that picture when you are picking the apples! Such a beautiful and strong young woman!)

  • Janna / October 2, 2015 / Reply

    Can’t wait! So happy you are feeling better. 🙂

  • Bonni / October 2, 2015 / Reply

    So true. Hard. You are so sadly spot-on. Just reading how you describe brings me to tears both for you and for how hard it all is. But in moments of clarity, He is in control. You are an inspiration for letting God use every one of our moments for Himself.

  • denise hovermale / October 2, 2015 / Reply

    when patients are in ICU for long period of time there is a condition that is a normal process of recovery, in which the patient has bouts of unexplained crying,depression,fear over their close brush of immpending doom being so close to death. we see it often and is taught in our critical care classes, It’s the same for people who have died and came back to life. You held in all together for ryan and everybody because you had to and now you have to let out all those feelings, so you can refocus on living again. we nurses after a coding patients that is brought back to life,experience the same feelings on a much lighter level. you must talk about it so you can release it,otherwise it can affect your physical health. still praying everyday for ryan and family. I will add this to my morning prayers.quote scripture when the thoughts come into your mind that comfort you and tune out the negativity ie; news, doing too much for others and just focus on God and family for now, kinda like a rest from the craziness in the world, you can simplify life in what really matters you all so much

  • Lisa / October 3, 2015 / Reply

    Ha, I just had a vision of pulling up my boot strap(s) and hopping along until my other boot is finally firmly in place and I can take another step again with out the fear of falling and getting my knee’s dirty. Good thing about falling and getting boo-boo’s God is in the healing business and He is right there waiting to comfort me, and even when I don’t fall, I just stumble around He is still there righting me, and setting me back on my feet. Those times I just can’t “do it” He carries me thru it and then set’s me back on my feet again! God is so good!

  • becky / October 15, 2015 / Reply

    glad you have been able to string a couple of days together and you are right-life is boot straps little short right now- took a fall on the 5th and broke the right hip but hopefully i am now headed up, Your post brought back memories of mom and dad “pick your own”. we no longer do the apples and peaches – just the blueberries. have a super day – becky

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