A much needed update.

September 15, 2015/Confessions

It’s been so long since I posted, I almost forgot how to start a new post. True story.

I’ve had very little margin in my days and the little I have, I’ve used to rest or read. (Zeitoun by Dave Eggers is a great book, btw.)


The kids are doing better… they no longer require that I stay in their sight at all times, but they do often crowd around me when I’m performing every day tasks like cooking or ironing still. I noticed Henry is saying things like, “Give your mother some space”  often.


Ryan is feeling much, much better. We have another cardiologist appointment next week and I’ll see what they have to say about his numbers.


We had a small scare the day before school started, maybe I’ll write about it another day, but I pretty much hate being a heart mom on days like that and am grateful nothing came of it.


The kids are transitioning beautifully to being in school. Natalie’s in her first year of middle school and is actually acting more grown up. I anticipated at least some drama, but she’s taking the whole thing in stride. A locker chandelier helped seal the deal, I think.


Ainsley is in fourth grade and is most excited about Girl Scouts and NOT having to play the violin this year. She begged us to switch to piano instead…. she starts lessons next week.


Ryan LOVES kindergarten. At least he does now. He clung to me like a monkey and cried the first two days partly from separation anxiety and partly from being anxious about meeting his new classmates. He seems much more content now with his biggest complaint being how loud the bus is on his ride home.


Piper is attending day care three afternoons a week. Her teachers repeatedly tell me they can’t believe how wonderful she is. She really is a sweetie… she arrives after the other kids are already sleeping on their little miniature cots for naptime. The first day she walked into the room, saw that the other kids were sleeping and the lights were off. Without one word from the teachers or me, she climbed on the only available cot and rolled over to go to sleep. A little surprised, I covered her with her favorite blanket and left the room. She’s only complained once in the last three weeks when I’ve dropped her. She drives me crazy in a million different ways, but in many ways she’s unbelievable.


I have a lot going on inside my head… I’m processing our summer and may be suffering from a little PTSD or low-level depression, or something… can’t put my finger on it. What I know is my stress tolerance is gone – completely – – and I find myself irritable on many days. My goal over the next week or so is to clear some space in my days to allow myself to just be still… to be able to “be” and not have to always be “doing.”  There have been so many things on my list that feel urgent. Slowly, but surely, that list is becoming more manageable.

Henry has been extra attentive and supportive. He’s suffered as much as I have and continues to hold this family together with his evenness and quiet strength.

Today I met a friend for lunch and it was rejuvenating to be able to talk about life and goals and our hearts. I saw a light at the end of the tunnel. I pray the light gets bigger and brighter every day.

But for now, I’ll take the flicker.


Comments (10)

  • Linda Hogeland / September 15, 2015 / Reply

    Hi Leighann…I have missed you! I know it takes time to adjust after the long, hard ordeal you and Ryan …and everyone went through!
    Ryan looks great! I hope his check up goes well, and that he will continue to do well. (Sorry you had a scare…but hope it will not repeat!)
    We will keep praying for him.
    The girls are all getting so grown up! Even Piper! How wonderful that she is so good, and adjusted so well at day care! She sure is cute!
    Jr. High was such an adjustment for me when I was a kid…glad that Natalie is adjusting to middle school so well! And also sounds like Ainsley is doing well in 4th grade, as well as Ryan with kindergarten! Wow! I can hardly believe our boy is in school! Where have these years gone? So many prayers have gone up on his behalf! I praise God for the progress in his life.

    I am sorry that you are having some troubles with emotions and stuff Leighann…but I really do understand how that can happen after all you have been through. Goodness sakes girl…you are one strong little cookie…but everyone has a breaking point. I know that I usually hold together during severe times of stress…but then after it is over I fall apart…and usually get sick afterwards. Sooo, I am going to keep praying for you honey.

    Love, ((Hugs)) and Prayers!

  • Gail / September 15, 2015 / Reply

    Hi Leigh

  • Kristen / September 16, 2015 / Reply

    I love It when you post your Regathering posts. We are human but we have that superhuman layer of being a mom. And being a mom to a super child(ren)? A whole new layer. We must take a moment to ourselves, to regather and just be. It is healing. We must go with it. Let yourself breathe and strive to not feel guilty for self care. Because self care is vital in our little family systems. It helps us regather. It helps us shine. meditate and just be. I enjoy your posts, self care and don’t worry about becoming a super parent because everyone already knows that you are amazing❤️

  • Gail / September 16, 2015 / Reply

    Let’s try this again…
    Hi Leighann – I was so happy to see your post. glad to hear the kids are doing so well. Praying for you and brighter days ahead! Hugs!

  • Becky / September 16, 2015 / Reply

    Welcome back – I knew that your schedule was bound to be super busy and knowing you all wrote down on a long, long list. Kids are growing like weeds. I can only imagine that your mind continues to spin at 1000M an hour, and am glad that you recognize you need to slow down and rest – you have had a super hard summer. Glad your super help mate supports you in so many different ways – you are right – it has been a hard summer for all of you. Just know that we keep on praying for your entire family. You are such a person of faith, a committed wife and mom and a shinning example to all of us out here – even if you don’t fully realize that. Most of all you are loved and you love Becky

  • Courtney Smith Cassada / September 16, 2015 / Reply

    i love you friend. you are doing an amazing job. enjoy just BEING.

  • Janna / September 16, 2015 / Reply

    HI!! Been wondering about you! So glad to hear from you.
    Girl….don’t be so hard on yourself. Sometimes it is ok to feel a little sorry for yourself. You all have been through a lot. It takes time to re adjust. BUT…you will. Take it one day at a time and pick and choose your battles.

    The kids look GREAT!! I love your story about Piper. That is how our little 4th surprise is. She is the easiest toddler ever.

    Thinking of you guys!!

    • Alice / September 17, 2015 / Reply

      So, your post just made me cry….out of compassion but also out of connection. I too think I have suffered some PTSD after Sean and Amelia’s surgeries. I think any family can go get through one surgery/sickness for a few months but living with sickness for multiple years is another thing altogether. What you went through this summer is so much on so many levels. You NEVER cease to amaze me! Thank you for sharing that.

  • Erica Guy / September 17, 2015 / Reply

    You’re an incredible person Leighann! Your post reminds me of my mom not long after my siblings surgeries. These verses always lift me up. Love you lots!

    When you’re in over your head, I’ll be with you. When you’re in rough waters, you will not go down. When you’re in between a rock and a hard place, it won’t be a dead end-Because I am God, your personal God, the Holy of Israel, your Savior. I paid a huge price for you: all of Egypt, with rich Cush and Seba thrown in. That’s how much I love you! I’d sell off the whole world to get you back, trade the creation just for you. Isaiah 43:2-4 MSG

  • Lisa McGriff / September 25, 2015 / Reply

    Hugs and prayers to my sweet friend. Life is tough sometimes and you do just need to step back, unplug, recharge and try again… Much love to you!

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