It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, it was the age of wisdom, it was the age of foolishness, it was the epoch of belief, it was the epoch of incredulity, it was the season of Light, it was the season of Darkness, it was the spring of hope, it was the winter of despair, we had everything before us, we had nothing before us… Charles Dickens, A Tale of Two Cities
This summer has been such a complex contradiction. In some ways so laid back… less traveling, less visitors, fewer expectations, more help (thanks to a local college girl!). In others ways… so difficult. I turn 37 at the end of this week. I’ve learned more about myself in the last 6 months than I ever have. Things that caught me off guard and have me reeling a little. You can only spend so much time sweeping things (in my case, emotions – and even more specifically, anger) under the rug before one day you simply trip on them.
I’m flat on my face.
I’m dealing with things – big things – things that should’ve been dealt with long ago. Long before children, long before marriage. And because I haven’t, they affect both. I’m starting there and working my way forward. Not sure how pretty this is going to be.
I’m also not sure how much is appropriate for this space, but it started in the spring when the Lord graciously showed me the fear I was living with. I thought only my daughter dealt with fear and anxiety. Ha! Nothing like having a human mirror to finally show you your reflection. While our fears are different, we both live with it.
With the realization of fear and the determination to cast it off, I uncovered a mess – one that needs cleaned up. After recovering from my post-partum Dr. Jekyll and Mrs. Hyde personality, I had about a month of bliss, before having split personalities again. Happiness and practicalness floating on the surface, with depths of grief and anger lying just underneath.
Some of that is because the distraction of four children will put a damper on any emotion other than the will to survive… I get that. The three oldest spent some time at their grandparents’ a few weeks ago and I had plans for cleaning, organizing, writing and reading. Instead I spent several days staring at the walls. But they are back and the minutiae of every day has taken over. I’m a little afraid of the return of school – it will be quieter and I’ll have more time to think. I’m also looking forward to it a little though – as I have swept things under the rug for far to long. It is time. My hope is this time next year I’ll be in completely better spot – a healthier place – where I can stop being happy for everyone else and be happy for me. Until then, I ask for your grace, your understanding, and your friendship.